PSA: Beware the Single Male

I bring to you tonight a Public Service Announcement* about a problem that is plaguing many couples not only here in the United States, but in the world as a whole (I imagine...yeah, I'm not going to fact check this, but I'm sure this problem is universal). I'm talking, of course, about the Single Male. The Single Male (SM) is a boil on the ass of humanity and has been for years. Use any ointment that you want, that irritation isn't going anywhere.

It's interesting to note that in fact, it is only the Male of the Species Single that is problematic. Single Females are a blessing to relationships everywhere. The Single Female provides a reason for Attached Females to cling more closely to any semblance of a relationship that they have. Case studies have revealed that Single Females cause Attached Females to have thoughts such as these:

"Hmm...Phil doesn't really help out around the house. But you know what? It could be worse. Look at poor Jessica, she's been alone for years. I'm so lucky to even have Phil. You know what? I'm going to bring him another beer, all those chips I put in a bowl for him to eat while he watches football for the 5th straight hour are probably making him thirsty. Yeah, I'm gonna stick this relationship out because the alternative is just bleak."

Single Females are also helpful for driving a Single Male into a relationship often serving as a "surrogate" mate for the SM. The Single Female, often striving for the love and attention that she wants, will act as the perfect mate for the SM. Cooking, cleaning, not complaining, etc. Counterinuitively, this often serves to drive the SM in question into a series of questionable relationships with other SFs who are not as accommodating. Then eventually the SM is an Attached Male.

Single Females therefore are a positive influence on relationships. I'll go so far as to say that they might even be the glue that holds the world together. Thanks, Ladies!

But I digress. While SFs are awesome, Single Males are problematic. Let's consider the impact of SMs in our daily lives. SMs are a threat to all relationships for the following reasons:

First let's consider the SM, Attached Female scenario. As Chris Rock says, "Men don't have platonic friends, at least not on purpose." SMs are essentially just waiting to ruin it for the couple and get in good with the Attached Female.

Even more devastating however is the SM, Attached Male relationship. The SM friend of your spouse/boyfriend/"partner"/whatever is always trying to ruin your relationship. It is the SM that will convince your mate that it is a good idea to stay out until 5 in the morning and not call because "Man, it's gonna be fun". The SM will try to undermine you at every turn, "She wants you to do what now? Put down the toilet seat?? That's just unfair. She's a harpy, dude. A blood-sucking harpy. I mean, great gal though, just wow..." The SM will remind your mate how much "fun" single life was. The SM will take your mate out in an attempt to pick up chicks just to let your mate get a taste of the single life once again. And you know that's just temptation. The SM is the snake and your mate is Eve and damned if you didn't just get thrown out of Eden again. The SM means well. He does. He wants a buddy, a pal, a bowling partner, a friend in times of need. But he often doesn't want the pesky emotional baggage of the female mate. And so he seeks to drive a wedge between the couple so that he can gain what he wants - more time with your mate.

It's hard to blame the SM, he just wants what you want. But you must be vigilantly on guard against the SM or you will soon find yourself as one half of the greatest duo ever (no, not Sigfried and Roy). Here are some warning signs that the SM is moving in on your turf:

1. Calls and/or texts all the time.
2. SM buys lots of expensive gaming systems and always needs someone to play with.
3. SM calls your mate his "wingman"
4. If you can't find your mate, he's always with the SM.

If any of these symptoms start occurring, don't wait! The problem will only get worse the longer that you tolerate it. Ways to combat this problem include**:

1. Nagging
2. Ultimatums
3. Crying
4. Flirting with the SM




*The more you know, the more you grow.
**Disclaimer: None of these tips are likely to work. In fact, they will work in favor of the SM for the most part. SO INSIDIOUS.