100 Things

1. I’ve always wanted to be a writer or a comedian or a comedy writer.
2. I worry about everything I can, but I still think I might be more normal than you.
3. I like to think of myself as a realist.
4. I’m not sure if this is delusional or not.
5. It probably is, but don’t judge me.
6. I try not to judge people.
7. I think a lot of people will be surprised that I said that, but it’s true.
8. I should explain.
9. I often make a judgment, but I’m accepting of pretty much everything.
10. Some things just take a little longer to accept than others.
11. I think sea otters are way cuter than river otters.
12. I often cry when reading a newspaper article or listening to a radio program.
13. This American Life from NPR makes me cry almost every single time.
14. I used to make fun of my mother for doing this, but it turns out I’m just like her.
15. I’m not upset that I’m turning into my mother.
16. I can talk myself in to or out of almost anything.
17. Sometimes I wake up at night because I’m worried about something.
18. The other night I determined that there are rats in our ceiling and that Zach probably has hantavirus.
19. I can make almost any situation dire.
20. I am quite possibly the most sarcastic person I know.
21. Although my family is pretty sarcastic as well.
22. We’re a real hit at parties.
23. I hate meeting people, but I like meeting people.
24. When you meet me, I’d really rather not shake your hand.
25. It’s not personal.
26. Lots of people tell me that they like my voice.
27. I find that strange.
28. I think I get more compliments than most people do.
29. I think that’s because people sense my insecurity.
30. I get asked for directions all the time.
31. Perhaps I have a trustworthy face.
32. I never give good directions.
33. I’ve never broken a bone.
34. I’ve only been to the hospital once and I got stitches.
35. The scars are almost completely gone.
36. I was awake when I got my wisdom teeth out.
37. I had laughing gas, but no amount of gas was going to make that experience funny.
38. I think I know the best way to do EVERYTHING.
39. I’m very, very happy in my relationship.
40. I never thought I would be in love like this.
41. I hope that everyone I know can find someone that makes them happy.
42. I think it is nice to be best friends with your significant other.
43. Often when I am alone in the elevator in my building at work, I dance.
44. It’s six floors up to my office and a bust a move the whole time.
45. I find it to be really relaxing.
46. Sometimes I get really sad.
47. Sometimes I get really happy.
48. I’ve had a few people tell me that I am the most genuinely happy person that they know.
49. That’s because I can’t fake my feelings.
50. I don’t have a poker face.
51. I find insincerity to be creepy.
52. I’m honest to a fault.
53. I have a hard time lying to people even if it would benefit me.
54. The only time I think it’s ok to bend the truth is if I think that the actual truth would really hurt someone’s feelings.
55. I may not make always be able to, but my goal in life is: Do No Harm.
56. I hate the snow.
57. I also hate rain, and wind.
58. I guess I really only like the sun.
59. I like the heat…it’s a dry heat.
60. I hit a car the first year that I was in PA because the road was icy and snowy and I didn’t know how to drive.
61. I freaked out, but the cop who was already on the scene because of the multiple accidents that had occurred just told us to keep going.
62. The car that I hit didn’t have any damage at all, but my bumper got cracked.
63. I’m hate driving in the snow.
64. I like fire.
65. I think it is fascinating to watch the flames.
66. I’ve peed in the woods.
67. I didn’t think I could do it either.
68. I think I was born about 3 generations too late.
69. I’m like an 80 year old woman.
70. If I had a lawn, I would definitely yell at kids to stay off it.
71. Damn kids.
72. I check my email obsessively.
73. I do everything obsessively.
74. I’m not sure what my earliest memory is.
75. I often buy things because I am surprised that they exist.
76. My favorite word used to be “pants”.
77. Maybe it still is.
78. I like the way that it sounds.
79. One time I saw a guy in a t-shirt that just said, “pants”.
80. I’m tired of politics and games, and I’m not even at a “real” job yet.
81. I love police crime drama television shows.
82. My favorites are Murder She Wrote, Columbo, Streets of San Francisco, even Kojack and Quincy ME.
83. I like the newer ones too, but you can’t beat an old police show like those classics.
84. I really was born too late.
85. I love to listen to books on tape while I walk to school and while I do household chores.
86. I don’t like to do things if I think I will fail.
87. That’s why it takes so long between posts…I’m just trying to maintain the funny.
88. Because if I don’t, I’ll feel like I’ve failed.
89. I’ve discovered that they have television on the internet.
90. I’m a tv addict…especially for the crime drama shows.
91. Zach says I’m dark.
92. I’m currently living in Pennsylvania – the Keystone State.
93. I’m moving to Iowa this summer – the Hawkeye State.
94. I can’t decide which is lamer.
95. I was born in Illinois – the Prairie State.
96. But I’m in love with Arizona – the Grand Canyon State.
97. Sometimes I get envious of people that I don’t even know.
98. I don’t really care too much what people think of me…
99. But I want you to like me.
100. I hope that if you read this, you want to make one of your own.
101. My list is better than your list. ;-)
     

(Original Post Date: September 13, 2006)

"I was not in class on Monday September 11. I have very swollen glans [sic] and spent the day at the doctors for a viral infection. I am going back later in the week for mono testing. I can bring my prescription to class if you would like I just wanted to make sure I did not miss a quiz or anything. I never ever like to miss class and I do not unless it is an extreme circumstance such as yesterday. I just wanted to let you know as soon as I could get moving around. Thank you for taking your time to read my concern."


The above is an email that I received from a student in the 320 person class that I TA for. The gender has been ambiguated (not a real word, but I like it better than "made ambiguous) to protect the…well, let's be charitable and say, "innocent". I find it amusing for a variety of reasons. First, the misspelling of glands (as cleverly noted with [sic]) is nice. Come on, it takes two seconds to press the little spell check symbol and it's just common courtesy. I'm not saying that you should obsess over grammar or even try to string together a coherent sentence, but you can't spell check? Second, I like the idea that he/she is willing to bring his/her prescription
for some sort of "viral infection" to class with him/her. He/She doesn't know anything about me, but if he/she did, he/she would know that I don't want anyone near me, let alone some virus-carrying-slacker. Third, the syllabus says nothing about quizzes and frankly, every day that you don't come to class, you miss something, what the hell do you want me to tell you? Finally, I love the "I never ever like to miss class…" NEVER EVER. That's how serious he/she is about school.

Perhaps you are thinking that this is just a wee bit bitter. Well, you know what? Until you have been a TA for a bunch of whiny babies, you don't judge me. This is just one of many fun emails that I get as a TA. And maybe I'm just not remembering correctly, but I swear that I never asked my TAs anything, let alone whined to them about how I needed the notes, was absent, but really meant to come or needed to take a make-up exam because I just couldn't get to class that day. And now, to prove that I am basically a 75 year old woman trapped in a 40 year old's body, I say this, "In my day, we were made of tougher stuff. I don't know what's wrong with kids today." There, I've said it. I'm not ashamed. And you can be sure that if some damn kid comes and plays near my house, I yell at him to get off my lawn as well. Not that it's my lawn per se, but it's the principle that counts.
In other, less bitter news, it's cold here. Damn cold. In the low to mid 60s. Isn't that special? One day it was around 80 or so with 1000% humidity and the next day it was 50. Apparently Fall has sprung. Everyone keeps saying that it will get warmer again…which means around 75. The next day it will probably snow. Hmm…that's not really less bitter when I think
about it.

Let me try again…um…something positive, let's rack the old brain...um…Ok. Well I appear to be fresh out of nice things to say. I had a long day yesterday, so I think I used up all the reserves. But this is a nice time for a reader poll. For the two of you who actually read this, send in your most positive or uplifting story from the past week. This can be anything: perhaps you won the lottery or your girlfriend is pregnant and the baby is yours, whatever makes your day. Send in this uplifting story and if I use it in my blog, you will get a special prize*.


*Prize award is subject to all taxes and penalties of the state in which you reside. Offer good until 9/30/06. Offer void in Arizona, Illinois, Colorado and Pennsylvania. Offer not valid outside of the continental US.

(Original Post Date: September 5, 2oo6)

I'll take the radio silence in between my blog entries to mean that everyone could take them or leave them, or that you are all ashamed to admit you read my blog. Which I think is how it works with every blog so I guess this one is a success.

The whole idea of a blog is strange when you think about it. It goes against everything my angst ridden inner child was taught about diaries. I had a diary when I was a kid (read: up until 2 years ago…just kidding). It was pink with unicorns on it and it has a lock and key…which took about two seconds of hard pulling on to open sans key, ask Andy, I'm sure he knows. I had any number of journals after that. I would write down feelings and basically "have a conversation" with the diary. And I am ok with admitting this because I know that's how it worked for a lot of people. Point being it was private, and I didn't want people reading it. Especially because I am often so misanthropic as to be horribly off-putting to the normal population unless I sensor myself. That's not to say all the time, but as some of you may know, I can be negative. But the advent of the blog brought a whole new level to diaries. Gone are the days of hiding it under the mattress, hoping that no one comes looking for it. Now, we post private thoughts, stories, etc. for anyone to read…and the really strange thing is…other people actually read it. Actually, I completely understand the reading of blogs. I do it. I have a couple that I like to frequent when I am at work and don't really feel like working (read: 86% of the time). It's fun to check in with people that I don't know and will probably never know. It's voyeurism I suppose, which, with the boon of reality television has finally become acceptable. It used to be that you would get 5-10 for looking into people's windows while they slept, ate and showered, but now, it's publicly sanctioned. Go figure. I don't have a deep point here, that's probably obvious, I'm just saying, "what is the deal with blogs?" Feel free to read that last part with your best Jerry Seinfeld accent. Go ahead, it's fun!

At any rate, I haven't written since 8.30.2006 (according to my meticulous records) because I've been busy. "With what?", you are probably not asking. I'll tell you. I have been getting ready for the semester. It starts today. How nice. Back in school again. And I have been staring at my car which is increasingly becoming an Albert Ross around my neck. My car leaks when it rains. I don't know if I've mentioned this to all of you before, but it's true. It leaks. And it rains a whole hell of a lot in State College. My answer to this was to tie a tarp to all four of my wheels, effectively (or so I thought) preventing rain from entering my car. And I do this. Zach and I stand in the rain and tie a tarp to the car. Is this embarrassing? Well, not really, but it is a source of amusement and apparent confusion for other people. I would think that it would be obvious why we are tying a tarp to the car when it is raining. If I was the average bystander, I would think that the car leaks and that's why we were tarping it. But, that's not really what the average bystander thinks. So I get questions. What's with the tarp? Why are you doing that?

But enough about me, no wait, there's more. The other day(s) it rained for 32 hours straight. It wasn't a heavy rain, but my God, it was constant. I'm not sure what the deal was, but the car got wet. The front passenger side floor (normal place of wetness and the bane of my existence) was wet…and low and behold so was the back passenger side floor. That's a new one. AND THE TARP WAS ON THE CAR. I'm not sure how the laws of Physics work, I got a B in both 180 and 181 (Introduction to Physics for Morons). I fully admit that I'm not sure I believe in gravity, but I don't see how if the tarp is on the car it is possible that it got wet. I am sure however that it is probably Zach's fault. Usually when things go wrong, it's his fault. Oh, don't go feeling sorry for him. It's just a fact.

So that's what I've been doing the past few days. I also went to a picnic yesterday that the students in my area (area meaning cognitive psychology, not vicinity) were having. I wasn't excited about going because I don't like politicking. Although we did all agree that I was the life of the party. I have nothing else to report. I'm sure I'll find some fun things to mention tomorrow.

Oh, alright, you've twisted my arm, one last story. I am coordinating brown bag (which is an area wide meeting where people share what they are working on), there is always a student that is in charge and works with the area coordinator. That's me this semester. I sent out my first email on Friday. I was trying to be funny, so I said, "I'll be reining (then I used strikethrough) to cross this out) serving as Brown Bag Queen (again, I used strikethrough) organizer this semester. So it was supposed to look like I had crossed out reining and Queen and replaced them with more acceptable terms…but when it went out the strikethrough didn't work, so everyone just
saw, "I'll be reining serving as Brown Bag Queen Organizer." Which really isn't funny at all. When I explained to my advisor what happened, he said, "Oh yeah, that's a lot funnier with them crossed out." What a typical start for me.

Ok, well, hope things are good with everyone. Feel free to send any questions, comments or concerns to be addressed publicly in the blog.

(Original Post Date: August 30, 2006)

Not too surprising that I'm already writing another blog entry. Like most of us, I have the capacity to stick to a project for approximately a week before I abandon it. If projects were kids, I would be in jail by now. That's the metaphor I'm going to go with. You go ahead and make up your own metaphors, it's ok, I'll wait. Did you come up with some comic gold there?

Good for you. If not, just keep trying. Comedy is like tripping over the dog and falling face first into a waiting pie, actually I guess that's slapstick, but I digress.

As I was saying, I am able to keep up with a project for a small amount of time. Just like my goal to lose weight and diet…which always lasts for about 3 days before I say, "I must eat a pint of ice cream and a bag of potato chips or I will die." (Note: That's not always what I say. Sometimes I say that I deserve to eat dinner out and then order the fried food combo platter, but you get the general idea.) I guess what I am saying is, "enjoy it while you can". Which should be my motto for life, but isn't. I think my official motto might be "fear herpes (mouth variety), worry frequently and carry a big stick". Ok, that last part was Roosevelt's motto, but it seems like sound advice.

Today's entry will be the first in a series I call, "I hate water and everything it represents." I have quite a lot to say on the subject, but today I will confine myself to my hatred of humidity.

For those of you native (or nearly native) to Arizona, you don't know what humidity is. I know that on occasion it feels somewhat "sticky" or damp, but that's not humidity. Humidity is walking outside (or in my case, because I don't have "central air", into my house) and feeling as though you have LITERALLY walked into a big boiling pot of split pea soup- complete with ham bone. Yes, that is humidity. When your clothes stick to your body, your make-up runs off your face and your thighs stick together (more than normal…some of you skinny people may not know what I am talking about with the thighs, but trust me, it's unpleasant). It's like living underwater with none of the benefits (the benefits being: pretty fish, sea horses and several cute underwater animals to be named later). Yes, I hate humidity. And yet, I chose to move to a place that is constantly or almost constantly shrouded in humidity. Cloaked in humidity. Suffocated in humidity. Why? I don't know, but I think the answer is water. Everyone here loves water. "Water is great!", they say. "Water makes it GREEN here. Green is great. I love water." That's how they all talk. They are a simple folk here. But you know what comes with water? Humidity, rain, snow, frost, mold, mildew, pollen, plague, pestilence and locusts. That's what water brings. Give me the desert any day. Man, I need to go home for a bit.

Well…that's what I've got to say for now. I'll be regaling you with other tales from my life later. Right now I have to go see a man about a horse (no, not really).

Why Not Just Be Like Everybody Else?

I am creating this blog today because there are one million (I'm just guessing- there are probably way more than that) blogs on the internet, but none of them are by me. I guess you could say I saw a need and I am finally filling it. You can totally thank me later. At any rate, I will be posting some of my old blog entries from my "infamous" (in the literal sense) guerilla blog. Then perhaps I will start posting new entries. Don't hold your breath, but if you hope really, really hard it just might happen.