Here is a video of part of our hike around the White Tanks. I find it to be amusing for a variety of reasons. 1) The first part of it is a shot of me from behind and frankly, that's not a good look for me. That's amusing. b) Zach and I are gossiping about unseen people on the trail. It was a family of this little kid that was talking to us at the top. Finally, it pretty much sums up our relationship. Zach jumps on something and I tell him (in a worried tone) not to kill himself and he says something that makes him sound like he's all chill and then I tell him I don't remember a lot about CPR. I've learned that on some battles I just have to give up. Listen close, I think you'll find it amusing too.
*Mine and Zach's, not yours and mine.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Today is Wednesday....Again
I don't have much to say today, but that's not going to stop me. Today it's cold. Not the blizzard of yesterday, but still cold. I feel more awake than I did on Monday or Tuesday, so that's nice. I'm a bit worried about the whole wedding thing because it seems stressful. Mostly because I want everyone to be happy and to have a nice time, but I also don't have any money and I don't want to be cheap about it, but we're poor. Also I can't figure out exactly when to have it because we are trying to coordinate between 2 sets of parents and that's proving to be a bit hard. But that's really all the complaining I want to do.
Enjoy some sweet pictures of me in my natural habitat.
This is me in the bathroom mirror of my childhood home. These pictures just get worse as we go, I love it.
What is the deal with my face here? It's just bizarre. What am I doing? At least the desert is pretty.
Again, what's wrong with me? Was I angry at Zach for taking the picture? Was he trying to make me look bad? I'm betting yes. Oh, it's just so bad.
This one is better. I look happy at least. We'd made it to the waterfall (it's just behind me and to the right a bit), so I was pretty happy about that.
Enjoy your day now that it has been brightened by my face.
Enjoy some sweet pictures of me in my natural habitat.
This is me in the bathroom mirror of my childhood home. These pictures just get worse as we go, I love it.
What is the deal with my face here? It's just bizarre. What am I doing? At least the desert is pretty.
Again, what's wrong with me? Was I angry at Zach for taking the picture? Was he trying to make me look bad? I'm betting yes. Oh, it's just so bad.
This one is better. I look happy at least. We'd made it to the waterfall (it's just behind me and to the right a bit), so I was pretty happy about that.
Enjoy your day now that it has been brightened by my face.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Addendum to Things I Find Disturbing...and Some Pictures (not of things I find disturbing)
7. The fact that my pee smells like Bacos. This would be more disturbing if I hadn't been eating Bacos recently, but the mere fact that about 24 hours after consuming the Bacos my pee smells exactly like them is a bit disconcerting. I mean it's not like I consumed half the bottle or anything (more like 1/4 at MOST) so why such an effect?
8. That my roommates apparently cannot take the trash cans from the garage and put them on the street so that the garbage men (or women, whatever) will take it. I'm not really doing anything constructive to contribute to this situation, like being an adult and mentioning it, instead I'm choosing to complain about it on a blog which they don't know exists, but one baby step at a time.
9. The impending blizzard. I'm more disturbed by the fact that I am not altogether sure what a blizzard entails. I believe we are only getting 1 to 3 inches, which if I have my math right will be blowing around 100 million miles an hour and blinding everyone, but I'm not really sure about that.
And now, please enjoy these lovely random pictures of things that I find amusing.
That's Adam. Can you see what he's pointing at? Here, look again:
It's a sign that says, "Code Adam". Isn't that weird? Almost as weird as your record never coming out on vinyl? I've seen those signs before, but not with Adam sitting next to one. It was a definite photo op.
I saw some awesome things at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport. See that red sign next to the women's bathroom? It says:
Severe Weather Area. I was really scared going into that bathroom. I didn't know what I would encounter...a Poo-nami? A shit storm? Yellow Rain? But as it turns out that just means that if there is severe weather you can huddle in the bathroom for safety. Huddle in a public restroom with a bunch of scared strangers? No thanks, I'll just take my chances with the weather.
Here's something else I saw at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport:
See? It's some sort of electronics vending machine. Seriously? People are so desperate for electronics they are willing to pump hundreds of quarters into a machine? I would not have thought. I guess it's true that in Texas they just do everything bigger (not necessarily better, but when they go, they go large).
And finally, I would like to leave you with this ultra sexy picture of me with crimped hair. Oh, how I wish that fashion tip from the 80s would come back! Zach on the other hand said that he thought the crimped hair was either, "the greatest look ever or the worst, but I honestly can't tell. I think I'm leaning toward the worst though." Whatever, one man's opinion.
8. That my roommates apparently cannot take the trash cans from the garage and put them on the street so that the garbage men (or women, whatever) will take it. I'm not really doing anything constructive to contribute to this situation, like being an adult and mentioning it, instead I'm choosing to complain about it on a blog which they don't know exists, but one baby step at a time.
9. The impending blizzard. I'm more disturbed by the fact that I am not altogether sure what a blizzard entails. I believe we are only getting 1 to 3 inches, which if I have my math right will be blowing around 100 million miles an hour and blinding everyone, but I'm not really sure about that.
And now, please enjoy these lovely random pictures of things that I find amusing.
That's Adam. Can you see what he's pointing at? Here, look again:
It's a sign that says, "Code Adam". Isn't that weird? Almost as weird as your record never coming out on vinyl? I've seen those signs before, but not with Adam sitting next to one. It was a definite photo op.
I saw some awesome things at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport. See that red sign next to the women's bathroom? It says:
Severe Weather Area. I was really scared going into that bathroom. I didn't know what I would encounter...a Poo-nami? A shit storm? Yellow Rain? But as it turns out that just means that if there is severe weather you can huddle in the bathroom for safety. Huddle in a public restroom with a bunch of scared strangers? No thanks, I'll just take my chances with the weather.Here's something else I saw at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport:
See? It's some sort of electronics vending machine. Seriously? People are so desperate for electronics they are willing to pump hundreds of quarters into a machine? I would not have thought. I guess it's true that in Texas they just do everything bigger (not necessarily better, but when they go, they go large).
And finally, I would like to leave you with this ultra sexy picture of me with crimped hair. Oh, how I wish that fashion tip from the 80s would come back! Zach on the other hand said that he thought the crimped hair was either, "the greatest look ever or the worst, but I honestly can't tell. I think I'm leaning toward the worst though." Whatever, one man's opinion.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Things I Find Disturbing
In no particular order:
1. It turns out that after experiencing negative and just above zero temperatures for about a week or more when the weather is 41 degrees it feels like a serious heat wave. So hot that I was only wearing a thermal shirt and jacket and a thin pair of gloves and a scarf (but that was just too hard to take off). I ended up taking the hat off my head ASAP and by the end of my walking into school from the Starbucks carrying my ginourmous bag I had to unbutton my coat and take off the gloves. It was just that hot...and yet not really and that's disturbing to me. I guess it's true that it's all relative, just like that cousin you have...it's not right.
2. There is a pet store between the bus stop that I get off at and the Starbucks. That in itself is not what is disturbing to me. But what is disturbing to me is that I've never noticed it before and I've walked by there a decent number of times. It had bunnies and a cat in the window and some how I've missed it every time? That seems so strange. I'm sort of wondering if it is one of those Twilight Zone-esque stores that you buy something horrible from and then you go to return it, but the store is gone and you're stuck with the horror and it's creepy. I guess that's not likely, but it is a possibility. I'm glad it was closed this morning because if I had purchased a haunted litter box or something that would be really disturbing for a variety of reasons least of which is that we don't have a cat.
3. Mouth herpes and the possibility that thing near my mouth that is imperceptible to the "normal" naked human eye is one.
4. My lack of motivation. Although I'm getting more and more used to it with every passing day. I suppose that's a bad thing, but whatever.
5. Computer viruses. I don't know if it's the analogy to disease or the fact that they ruin your computer and make your life harder, but I find them very disturbing.
6. The fact that I'm so close to 30. I'm not sad about being 30 I think it's probably going to be just fine, but I'm getting past the age where they can say, "She died young and left a beautiful corpse." I mean, I'll be leaving a beautiful corpse no matter what age I go at, but the young part, you know? Although with the recent demise of Heath Ledger (also 28) everyone says it's a tragedy because he died so young. So that's a boost. Not good that he died or anything, but good for me.
1. It turns out that after experiencing negative and just above zero temperatures for about a week or more when the weather is 41 degrees it feels like a serious heat wave. So hot that I was only wearing a thermal shirt and jacket and a thin pair of gloves and a scarf (but that was just too hard to take off). I ended up taking the hat off my head ASAP and by the end of my walking into school from the Starbucks carrying my ginourmous bag I had to unbutton my coat and take off the gloves. It was just that hot...and yet not really and that's disturbing to me. I guess it's true that it's all relative, just like that cousin you have...it's not right.
2. There is a pet store between the bus stop that I get off at and the Starbucks. That in itself is not what is disturbing to me. But what is disturbing to me is that I've never noticed it before and I've walked by there a decent number of times. It had bunnies and a cat in the window and some how I've missed it every time? That seems so strange. I'm sort of wondering if it is one of those Twilight Zone-esque stores that you buy something horrible from and then you go to return it, but the store is gone and you're stuck with the horror and it's creepy. I guess that's not likely, but it is a possibility. I'm glad it was closed this morning because if I had purchased a haunted litter box or something that would be really disturbing for a variety of reasons least of which is that we don't have a cat.
3. Mouth herpes and the possibility that thing near my mouth that is imperceptible to the "normal" naked human eye is one.
4. My lack of motivation. Although I'm getting more and more used to it with every passing day. I suppose that's a bad thing, but whatever.
5. Computer viruses. I don't know if it's the analogy to disease or the fact that they ruin your computer and make your life harder, but I find them very disturbing.
6. The fact that I'm so close to 30. I'm not sad about being 30 I think it's probably going to be just fine, but I'm getting past the age where they can say, "She died young and left a beautiful corpse." I mean, I'll be leaving a beautiful corpse no matter what age I go at, but the young part, you know? Although with the recent demise of Heath Ledger (also 28) everyone says it's a tragedy because he died so young. So that's a boost. Not good that he died or anything, but good for me.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Public Service Announcement
We here at My Blog is Better Than Your Blog really don't want to focus on the work that we have to do and thought we'd start a new segment called, "Public Service Announcements". And so I bring you the first two in a series.
PSA #1:
Do not try a Starbucks Skinny Mocha Latte. You will just be wasting $4 and valuable time. And you will probably be shortening your life expectancy as well because it tastes like chemicals. I'm not sure what kind of chemicals, scary ones? Ones that are going to kill? Bad, bad chemical tastes. Don't try one. Resist the urge to "do the right thing" and cut down on sugar because you will just be sorely disappointed.
PSA #2:
If you are trying to get across the point that something is a "well-known fact", do not use the following statement,
"its relatively common knowledge... google it"
Because using that phrase makes you sound like the moron.
I'm just trying to make the world a better place.
PSA #1:
Do not try a Starbucks Skinny Mocha Latte. You will just be wasting $4 and valuable time. And you will probably be shortening your life expectancy as well because it tastes like chemicals. I'm not sure what kind of chemicals, scary ones? Ones that are going to kill? Bad, bad chemical tastes. Don't try one. Resist the urge to "do the right thing" and cut down on sugar because you will just be sorely disappointed.
PSA #2:
If you are trying to get across the point that something is a "well-known fact", do not use the following statement,
"its relatively common knowledge... google it"
Because using that phrase makes you sound like the moron.
I'm just trying to make the world a better place.
How Cold is it?
It's so cold it's -12 right now.
It's so cold the water vapor from your breath freezes in your nostrils forming little ice crystals.
It's so cold that if you are a mouth breather (which apparently I am after walking about 20 feet) you get frost buildup on your scarf or jacket or whatever is in range of your mouth.
It's so cold that your fingers feel numb and tingly even with two pairs of gloves on.
It's so cold that you wear two pairs of socks, boots, two pairs of sweatpants, two long sleeve shirts, a sweater, a jacket, a scarf, a hat, and two pairs of gloves and you will still be cold when you walk to the bus...especially exposed parts of your face.
It's so cold that complaining about it on the internet only makes you feel moderately better.
On to other things, I have some pictures from the trip. I have more entries and stories to write, but I thought I would post super cute pictures of the dogs right now because I'm not much in the mood to be creative or funny or "civil" or whatever. But cute dog pictures are always welcome, I would think. Enjoy!
This one is Scout AKA Stinky AKA Scouty AKA The Red One.
This is Cosmo or Fletcher. I can't tell them apart when they are laying down. I think that's Cosmo. Yeah, yeah, I'll go with Cosmo.
And so, using my powers of elimination, this is Fletcher. He's a perfect little doggie donut there. Look how cute! Evil, definitely evil, but cute. This is most likely the dog that chewed the plug off the cord of the VCR and then threw it up (complete with metal prongs) unto the dog bed. We think he unplugged it before eating it, which saved his life. The fact that he ate the cord to the VCR and not the cable box also saved his life.
P. S. I think my prostate is acting up again because I have to pee about every 2 minutes or so. Ridiculous.
It's so cold the water vapor from your breath freezes in your nostrils forming little ice crystals.
It's so cold that if you are a mouth breather (which apparently I am after walking about 20 feet) you get frost buildup on your scarf or jacket or whatever is in range of your mouth.
It's so cold that your fingers feel numb and tingly even with two pairs of gloves on.
It's so cold that you wear two pairs of socks, boots, two pairs of sweatpants, two long sleeve shirts, a sweater, a jacket, a scarf, a hat, and two pairs of gloves and you will still be cold when you walk to the bus...especially exposed parts of your face.
It's so cold that complaining about it on the internet only makes you feel moderately better.
On to other things, I have some pictures from the trip. I have more entries and stories to write, but I thought I would post super cute pictures of the dogs right now because I'm not much in the mood to be creative or funny or "civil" or whatever. But cute dog pictures are always welcome, I would think. Enjoy!
This one is Scout AKA Stinky AKA Scouty AKA The Red One. 
This is Cosmo or Fletcher. I can't tell them apart when they are laying down. I think that's Cosmo. Yeah, yeah, I'll go with Cosmo.
And so, using my powers of elimination, this is Fletcher. He's a perfect little doggie donut there. Look how cute! Evil, definitely evil, but cute. This is most likely the dog that chewed the plug off the cord of the VCR and then threw it up (complete with metal prongs) unto the dog bed. We think he unplugged it before eating it, which saved his life. The fact that he ate the cord to the VCR and not the cable box also saved his life.P. S. I think my prostate is acting up again because I have to pee about every 2 minutes or so. Ridiculous.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Today is Wednesday....Already
It's nice that today is Wednesday. That means we just get through today and then only two more days until the weekend. I like that notion. I should only ever work a 4 day week. Or a 3 day week. That would be pretty sweet. I'm not one of those unimaginative losers that needs a job to fill my days. No, if I won the lottery I could totally sit around doing "nothing" with my days. Or if you won the lottery and wanted to invest the money wisely and give me some, I could do nothing with my days as well. Let me know if that is an option for anyone.
Today I thought I would mention that as Zach and I left for work it was 0 degrees out. Zero. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. And, though it may sound sarcastic, the wind chill was negligible so it felt like zero, and I think that really helps. Tonight with the wind chill it is supposed to be -25 degrees. Isn't that awesome? Seriously? -25? What the hell is wrong with the midwest? People should have artificially manufactured mountains to block the wind. I mean, wow, work on it people. Our ancestors were seriously lazy people. Didn't they want to give their progeny a better life?
I also thought that today I would share what is to become the typical routine in our lives. I love a good routine. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I like nothing better than being in a rut. Love it. Stability is great. Predictability a godsend. Here's what our work day looks like: We get up at 4:30 AM. Well, I get up at 4:30 and then take a shower and the alarm goes off at 4:40 for Zach and he lays there for a bit. Then he takes a shower. I make breakfast, turn on the coffee, pour some iced tea. We eat together and watch the weather and the news...although today I discovered that Destinos is on at 5 and 5:30 on PBS. For those of you not familiar with Destinos, I pity you. It is perhaps the greatest show ever made for those wanting to learn Spanish. I remember fondly my college days of watching Destinos. You can learn more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Destinos, what can't you learn about on Wikipedia? Things you don't need to know. Then we get ready for work, leave about 6:14 and catch the 6:23 bus in. Zach gets off at the hospital, I get off at the downtown interchange and walk to work. We work apart for about 8 hours. I leave to catch the 3:15 bus and he gets on in a bit. Then we walk home together. It's nice. I like being able to go to work together and even though admitting this makes me sound like a total dork, I really look forward to seeing him when he gets on the bus.
Ok, well, now that I've made this confession I feel like, we're good. I would also encourage you to check out the Peptalks from Peyton Manning if you haven't already. I don't know why, but the one about having a gut just gets me every time. Is that wrong? I think it is and I'm not shilling for MasterCard, but he is, and it's funny to me: http://www.priceless.com/us/personal/en/extras/peptalks/index.html
Enjoy the internet on me today.
Today I thought I would mention that as Zach and I left for work it was 0 degrees out. Zero. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. And, though it may sound sarcastic, the wind chill was negligible so it felt like zero, and I think that really helps. Tonight with the wind chill it is supposed to be -25 degrees. Isn't that awesome? Seriously? -25? What the hell is wrong with the midwest? People should have artificially manufactured mountains to block the wind. I mean, wow, work on it people. Our ancestors were seriously lazy people. Didn't they want to give their progeny a better life?
I also thought that today I would share what is to become the typical routine in our lives. I love a good routine. I'm sure I've mentioned before that I like nothing better than being in a rut. Love it. Stability is great. Predictability a godsend. Here's what our work day looks like: We get up at 4:30 AM. Well, I get up at 4:30 and then take a shower and the alarm goes off at 4:40 for Zach and he lays there for a bit. Then he takes a shower. I make breakfast, turn on the coffee, pour some iced tea. We eat together and watch the weather and the news...although today I discovered that Destinos is on at 5 and 5:30 on PBS. For those of you not familiar with Destinos, I pity you. It is perhaps the greatest show ever made for those wanting to learn Spanish. I remember fondly my college days of watching Destinos. You can learn more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Destinos, what can't you learn about on Wikipedia? Things you don't need to know. Then we get ready for work, leave about 6:14 and catch the 6:23 bus in. Zach gets off at the hospital, I get off at the downtown interchange and walk to work. We work apart for about 8 hours. I leave to catch the 3:15 bus and he gets on in a bit. Then we walk home together. It's nice. I like being able to go to work together and even though admitting this makes me sound like a total dork, I really look forward to seeing him when he gets on the bus.
Ok, well, now that I've made this confession I feel like, we're good. I would also encourage you to check out the Peptalks from Peyton Manning if you haven't already. I don't know why, but the one about having a gut just gets me every time. Is that wrong? I think it is and I'm not shilling for MasterCard, but he is, and it's funny to me: http://www.priceless.com/us/personal/en/extras/peptalks/index.html
Enjoy the internet on me today.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
More Random Bits. Now with Pieces!
- I have decided that I want to try posting every day again. I think I want to do that because I am starting my semester today and if I have to post a blog every day then that will be a reason to not work on the large amount of work I have to do this semester. It's sort of an ostrich in the sand technique, but with more productivity.
- I have been at school for about 2 hours now and I haven't done any "real" work yet. I have devised a schedule for my meeting with Toby, written a somewhat nasty letter to American Airlines, made a to-do list, entered a contest to win dinner and show for Valentine's day, emailed two people, cleaned out my email boxes, had one and a half cups of tea, and gone to the bathroom twice, soon to be three times.
- I hate going to the bathroom so much, but I like drinking the tea. It's a compelling dichotomy. Not really, but that's a nice phrase.
- I think it was about 5 when we left the house this morning. By the time we go home it's supposed to be up around 11. That's nice. Double digits is a good thing.
- I plan to post more pictures too, but those are on the home computer. And I would just wait until I get home to post, but when I go home I like to consider that "me" time.
- I think this is enough banality for the day. I'm going to go now and try to do some more work. Tomorrow I will try to have something super sweet up here! Yeah, don't hold your breath.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Random Bits
I want to keep up with the blog more. I also have some plans for a wedding related blog or a wedding page of some sort, but I won't bore you with all the details now. Anyway, I have tons of pictures from my trip and I'm sure exciting things to share, but I found two new shows on the internet to entertain me and I've been watching those.
But I wanted to give you a little something. Enjoy!
I call this "Secret Asian Man" for reasons of my own.
But I wanted to give you a little something. Enjoy!
I call this "Secret Asian Man" for reasons of my own.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Another Guest Blog
This is a blog that my brother AKA Prisoner # 1293810293 wrote. I think it's funny and thought I would post it here for the benefit of others. Enjoy!
Original Title: Larry vs. The 2007 Google Zeitgeist
http://www.google.com/intl/en/press/zeitgeist2007/index.html
In case any of you missed it, Google, the company whose motto is "don't be evil,**" unleashed the Google Zeitgeist. Yes, you read that right: "Zeitgeist." It is a web page that tells viewers what the most searched items in Google were for 2007. It is like a poltergeist only scarier: it is a reflection of what most fascinates people.
Let's rundown the most disturbing portions of page:
1) The three most popular searches for 2007 in the world were American Idol, YouTube, and Britney Spears. As a global community our priorities to be informed most center around entertainment, entertainment, and entertainment. I'd be okay with that if it were good entertainment, but American Idol? The newly castrated YouTube? Crazy bitch Britney Spears? Come on folks, we can, nay, need, to do better than that. If you find that shit entertaining you should let me take you out back and whack you in the head with a hammer a few times, I'm sure you'll think it's a blast. But then again I guess I'm in the minority… I digress.
2) There is a section on "fastest gainers;" those search items that did not rank high in the over all standings for the year because of their temporal nature. For the four quarters of the year the top gainers were Anna Nicole Smith, Virginia tech, Vanessa Hudgens, and Pavoratti. 3 out of 4 top news items of 2007 involved celebrities, 3 out of 4 dealt with death, 2½ out of 4 dealt with tits (Smith and Hudgens + ½ Pavoratti – he was big by the end of his life). I don't really take solace in the fact Pavoratti made the list either. He was an entertainer and I'm not one to make distinction between high and low brow entertainment. Whether you are enjoying an opera or experimenting with glory-holes, you are still getting your jollies off. Just because society deems one high or low brow, doesn't mean it is any different. Entertainment is entertainment. Do you know what the Romans did in their bath houses? It was entertaining, and socially acceptable, but by today's Puritanical standards it was sinful… I digress again.
3) My favorite page is called "Top of the Mind." It lists the top questions starting with why, what, and how. I listed the questions below with my snarky answers in parenthesis. I tried to be as brief as possible, which was easy, because some of the answers were the same.
Who is...
1. who is god (who ever he or she is, I'm sure they are on the internet – you asshole)
2. who is who (if you have to ask, you'll never know)
3. who is lookup (um, good question?)
4. who is jesus (see no. 1)
5. who is it (see no. 2)
6. who is buckethead (who would have thought a tall man dressed like Col. Sanders with a Michael Meyers mask and a KFC bucket on his head playing guitar like a madman would get this high on the list – unless it's another buckethead that I don't know about, it might be, it's probably porn related)
7. who is calling (what type of question is this to ask the internet? Don't you have caller ID?)
8. who is keppler (see no. 3)
9. who is this (see no. 7)
10. who is satan (awesome! Take that God! Still in the top 10 bitches!)
What is...
1. what is love (baby don't hurt me… don't hurt me… no more – yeah I said it)
2. what is autism (awe, this one's sad)
3. what is rss (another acronym that scares old people – "We hate change!")
4. what is lupus (see no. 2)
5. what is sap (there are that many people out there interested in sap?)
6. what is Bluetooth (another term that scares old people)
7. what is emo (how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? – psh! You don't know,, whatever)
8. what is java (coffee, unless it's on the internet)
9. what is hpv (This is the most disturbing question asked in my opinion. The 9th most popular question was typed in 2 weeks after a random unprotected drunken hook-up because somebody was taking a shower and noticed a little something on their little something. Ironically, HPV ranks 9th on my list of fears. It's after herpes and before mouth herpes)
10. what is gout (Ben Franklin wrote a few satirical pieces on gout, I suggest them to anybody who is asking this question)
How to...
1. how to kiss (ladies: just as long as your kissing – fellas: the lower lip of a female has a nerve that connects to the clitoris, when you kiss her pay attention to her bottom lip, don't be all intense about it, but work that shit)
2. how to draw (I can't help here ?)
3. how to knit (get really bored and find some needles and yarn)
4. how to hack (you should be more worried about how to block pop-ups)
5. how to dance (where I'm from they banned dancing)
6. how to crochet (see no. 3)
7. how to meditate (be a nobody going nowhere)
8. how to flirt (ladies: allow us to glance at your goods – fellas: women are like cats, you can't just jump on 'em and start rubbin' their bellies, you gotta play it cool, like Fonzi)
9. how to levitate (aim at the ground and miss)
10. how to skateboard (which Tony Hawk version are you talking about? The new one? Er?)
*Dictated not read
**motto does not apply in China, because the market share is so large they can make tons and tons of money, seriously though, that is there motto.
Original Title: Larry vs. The 2007 Google Zeitgeist
http://www.google.com/intl/en/press/zeitgeist2007/index.html
In case any of you missed it, Google, the company whose motto is "don't be evil,**" unleashed the Google Zeitgeist. Yes, you read that right: "Zeitgeist." It is a web page that tells viewers what the most searched items in Google were for 2007. It is like a poltergeist only scarier: it is a reflection of what most fascinates people.
Let's rundown the most disturbing portions of page:
1) The three most popular searches for 2007 in the world were American Idol, YouTube, and Britney Spears. As a global community our priorities to be informed most center around entertainment, entertainment, and entertainment. I'd be okay with that if it were good entertainment, but American Idol? The newly castrated YouTube? Crazy bitch Britney Spears? Come on folks, we can, nay, need, to do better than that. If you find that shit entertaining you should let me take you out back and whack you in the head with a hammer a few times, I'm sure you'll think it's a blast. But then again I guess I'm in the minority… I digress.
2) There is a section on "fastest gainers;" those search items that did not rank high in the over all standings for the year because of their temporal nature. For the four quarters of the year the top gainers were Anna Nicole Smith, Virginia tech, Vanessa Hudgens, and Pavoratti. 3 out of 4 top news items of 2007 involved celebrities, 3 out of 4 dealt with death, 2½ out of 4 dealt with tits (Smith and Hudgens + ½ Pavoratti – he was big by the end of his life). I don't really take solace in the fact Pavoratti made the list either. He was an entertainer and I'm not one to make distinction between high and low brow entertainment. Whether you are enjoying an opera or experimenting with glory-holes, you are still getting your jollies off. Just because society deems one high or low brow, doesn't mean it is any different. Entertainment is entertainment. Do you know what the Romans did in their bath houses? It was entertaining, and socially acceptable, but by today's Puritanical standards it was sinful… I digress again.
3) My favorite page is called "Top of the Mind." It lists the top questions starting with why, what, and how. I listed the questions below with my snarky answers in parenthesis. I tried to be as brief as possible, which was easy, because some of the answers were the same.
Who is...
1. who is god (who ever he or she is, I'm sure they are on the internet – you asshole)
2. who is who (if you have to ask, you'll never know)
3. who is lookup (um, good question?)
4. who is jesus (see no. 1)
5. who is it (see no. 2)
6. who is buckethead (who would have thought a tall man dressed like Col. Sanders with a Michael Meyers mask and a KFC bucket on his head playing guitar like a madman would get this high on the list – unless it's another buckethead that I don't know about, it might be, it's probably porn related)
7. who is calling (what type of question is this to ask the internet? Don't you have caller ID?)
8. who is keppler (see no. 3)
9. who is this (see no. 7)
10. who is satan (awesome! Take that God! Still in the top 10 bitches!)
What is...
1. what is love (baby don't hurt me… don't hurt me… no more – yeah I said it)
2. what is autism (awe, this one's sad)
3. what is rss (another acronym that scares old people – "We hate change!")
4. what is lupus (see no. 2)
5. what is sap (there are that many people out there interested in sap?)
6. what is Bluetooth (another term that scares old people)
7. what is emo (how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? – psh! You don't know,
8. what is java (coffee, unless it's on the internet)
9. what is hpv (This is the most disturbing question asked in my opinion. The 9th most popular question was typed in 2 weeks after a random unprotected drunken hook-up because somebody was taking a shower and noticed a little something on their little something. Ironically, HPV ranks 9th on my list of fears. It's after herpes and before mouth herpes)
10. what is gout (Ben Franklin wrote a few satirical pieces on gout, I suggest them to anybody who is asking this question)
How to...
1. how to kiss (ladies: just as long as your kissing – fellas: the lower lip of a female has a nerve that connects to the clitoris, when you kiss her pay attention to her bottom lip, don't be all intense about it, but work that shit)
2. how to draw (I can't help here ?)
3. how to knit (get really bored and find some needles and yarn)
4. how to hack (you should be more worried about how to block pop-ups)
5. how to dance (where I'm from they banned dancing)
6. how to crochet (see no. 3)
7. how to meditate (be a nobody going nowhere)
8. how to flirt (ladies: allow us to glance at your goods – fellas: women are like cats, you can't just jump on 'em and start rubbin' their bellies, you gotta play it cool, like Fonzi)
9. how to levitate (aim at the ground and miss)
10. how to skateboard (which Tony Hawk version are you talking about? The new one? Er?)
*Dictated not read
**motto does not apply in China, because the market share is so large they can make tons and tons of money, seriously though, that is there motto.
Friday, January 18, 2008
An Aside
I have pictures from my trip to AZ which was fantastic. So I will start posting those soon and begin to tell tales, but I thought I would mention quickly how little resolve I have. To do that, I have a short story that is illustrative of my point.
I wanted to get some Starbucks Iced Black Tea this morning. I feel that iced tea is appropriate any time of year because I find iced beverages to be the only ones that are truly "refreshing" and I really like them. I have been told I would not do well in Europe because apparently they never got the memo about ice cubes or air conditioning for that matter. Two things that I can't live without. Well, I can live without them, but it makes me cranky...yes, even more cranky than my baseline level of crankitude.
At any rate, I really wanted a Starbucks Iced Tea, so even though it was only about 3 degrees when I left the house and according to the outdoor sign at the bank about 9 degrees when I got downtown, I thought I could handle it. I have a shirt, sweater, jacket, scarf, hat, gloves, boots and jeans, I'm dressed to go get iced tea. Except that when I got outside I walked about 25 feet and then decided that walking all the way to Starbucks wasn't really worth it. I ended up caving and getting some hot tea from the local (and I'm sure better for you, not as corporate and evil, blah, blah, blah) coffee shop. Seriously, I was out there for about 1 minute before caving on my plan to get iced tea.
All I have to say is that it is such a good thing that I am not trusted with national secrets or information that might be vital for something because I would not stand up to torture. I think I would blurt out everything I know- a la Chunk in Goonies- at the first mention of any sort of torture. I'd like to think that if someone's life was on the line I would be able to stop myself, but if I'm being honest, that's not likely to be the case, I don't like to be uncomfortable. I guess the lesson learned here today is don't trust me with the microfilm. I will let you down every time.
And now I return you to staring at the pretty ring in the picture below. I know that's what I do with my days now. Just sit, stare and sigh contentedly. And repeat.
I wanted to get some Starbucks Iced Black Tea this morning. I feel that iced tea is appropriate any time of year because I find iced beverages to be the only ones that are truly "refreshing" and I really like them. I have been told I would not do well in Europe because apparently they never got the memo about ice cubes or air conditioning for that matter. Two things that I can't live without. Well, I can live without them, but it makes me cranky...yes, even more cranky than my baseline level of crankitude.
At any rate, I really wanted a Starbucks Iced Tea, so even though it was only about 3 degrees when I left the house and according to the outdoor sign at the bank about 9 degrees when I got downtown, I thought I could handle it. I have a shirt, sweater, jacket, scarf, hat, gloves, boots and jeans, I'm dressed to go get iced tea. Except that when I got outside I walked about 25 feet and then decided that walking all the way to Starbucks wasn't really worth it. I ended up caving and getting some hot tea from the local (and I'm sure better for you, not as corporate and evil, blah, blah, blah) coffee shop. Seriously, I was out there for about 1 minute before caving on my plan to get iced tea.
All I have to say is that it is such a good thing that I am not trusted with national secrets or information that might be vital for something because I would not stand up to torture. I think I would blurt out everything I know- a la Chunk in Goonies- at the first mention of any sort of torture. I'd like to think that if someone's life was on the line I would be able to stop myself, but if I'm being honest, that's not likely to be the case, I don't like to be uncomfortable. I guess the lesson learned here today is don't trust me with the microfilm. I will let you down every time.
And now I return you to staring at the pretty ring in the picture below. I know that's what I do with my days now. Just sit, stare and sigh contentedly. And repeat.
Monday, January 14, 2008
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