Guest Blog #1

I'm about to go to bed so that I can get up really early and leave for the trip. Enjoy the recent posts and this guest post from my ex-con friend:



Freedom. Liberty. Deliverance. Independence. And ultimately, atonement. The day has finally come, rather it came. As of 5/10/07 9:29 AM I reentered society. Though not altogether rehabilitated; prison space is at a premium and they let me out a little early. For once the retarded drug laws in this country have done some good – got me out of prison!

What suckers! I only spent 2 years of a 6 year sentence. It helps that I have a personal attorney to help with legal loop holes and a probation hearing a year ahead of schedule. Though trust me I'm the last guy who should be in jail. I was innocent… in a way.

Four years ago I became interested in politics because of how much money there is to be made. Rich people really like to spend a lot of their money to protect the money they have. I can't really blame them. Who wants the government spending your money? But I digress, being the perpetual entrepreneur I am I took up in the business of politics.

To my chagrin and somewhat astonishment, not many people agreed with me and my political ideals. The democrats seem like they mean well, but they fail to act with a spine and have a propensity to fuck things up (Dukakis '88 anyone? Wow, what a bunch of bumblefucks!). The republicans don't seem to mean as well, between wacko fundamentalists and war hawks, but the original ideals they supposedly adhere to I like. So there I was: a would be politician without a political party.

If necessity is the mother of invention then desperation is its pathetic uncle; and desperate times called for disparaging measures, I think Dawkins said that.

I don't know too much about the world and in particular the political world, but that doesn't seem to stop these politicians from getting involved in politics – some argue it encourages them. I saw a PBS special on how Political Action Committees (PACs) work and quickly realized that there is money in dem' deer hills.

I started a PAC to raise funds to support candidates and causes I like. Simple idea: separate people from their money and then redistribute their money to more worthy causes.

"Save the Bullmoose Foundation" was my pride and joy for the next few years. I developed a pitch and it went a little something like this:
"Save the Bullmoose Foundation is a 501c3 organization dedicated to saving one of the most majestic creatures in all of North America. Once the Bullmoose roamed over the entire continent of America. However, due to the shrinking of their habitat, viable food sources, and adequate drinking water their numbers have dropped dramatically. It is only with your help that we can save the Bullmoose."

That statement is 100%, categorically, and historically accurate. It might be a little misleading to an aging ill informed baby boomer who wants his/hers dollars to go to lobbying Congress to save this uniquely American animal – but I argue the onus is on them for being stupid. The Bullmoose isn't an animal per se, it is a PAC technically, and a political party conceptually – but it is a political "animal". You know like pachyderms and jackasses.

I stole the idea from Teddy Roosevelt. He left the republican party and refused to join the democrats so he started the short lived Bullmoose party. It was conservative with a dash of progressivism. American politics more a la carte, if you will. The Bullmoose represents the original ideas of American society: personal liberty, social justice, equality, and accountability. So when I told people the Bullmoose was a nearly extinct animal, I wasn't lying! Look at Washington D.C. or the freak show in the state legislature (Russell Pierce, I'm looking in your direction) - no Bullmeese, or Bullmooses, or whatever it is.

Everything was going swimmingly. I was making money (a not-so-modest percentage out of every donation – with a progressive sharing formula), giving to political causes I really believed in (medicinal herbals anyone?) and making a difference in my community. Swimmingly that is, until Johnny "I'll fuck your mother and make you watch" Law got involved.

Apparently, what I deemed true was deemed a felony by the "man." I still contend that I delivered on my promises to donors and had the donors taken the time to read the fine print they would have agreed with me. It was a metaphor! Come on! After a long and truly unjust trial I was sentenced to 6 years at a Safford Federal Correctional Institution.

But that was the past. I'm living in the now, now. I'll recant stories from prison in other blogs. There are some fun and not-so-fun but grossly intriguing stories from my 2 years in Safford. I don't want to dwell on it, it was a dark time in my life, the windows were small in my cell and it faced north.

The past doesn't matter, I am moving forward with life and despite the sneaking suspicion that I'm going forward in circles, I am making great progress.

I got a new job, a few new girls, a band, and the desire to continue to do what my ancestors have been doing for centuries: fuck, eat, and laugh.

*Dictated not read [I have no idea who he "dictated" this to, I just typed what was written. Any mistakes are his, I think they add to the street cred.]