Iowa: The Suckiest State in the Union

Ok, the title isn't really fair. I haven't lived in all 50 states. Hell, I haven't even visited all 50 states, so I can't say without a doubt that Iowa is the suckiest state in the union. I'm betting there are worse. In fact, I've been to Texas, and well, Texas might be suckier, but still. Iowa. You are killing me. Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel good keeping me down? What is the deal?

You, loyal readers, might remember the other reasons that I think Iowa sucks. I'll recap for those who might have missed out.

1. Iowa is in the middle of the country. Everyone knows the cool stuff happens on the outside edges of things. Quick, what's better than the inside? That's right, the outside.

2. Iowa is full of corn. Yeah, corn. And they have so much corn that they force it on you as a fuel source. But they don't just make it so that you have an option. They try to trick you into using it by putting tiny, almost imperceptible stickers that mark the gas pump as "ethanol". And of course that's the cheapest gas, so you think, "oh, I'll get the cheap stuff". But then you have to pull back as if burned because you can't put ethanol in a car that's not equipped for it...and guess whose car is not equipped for it?

3. It rains here. And it's humid, hot, dark, lame. The rain is nice because it goes in my car and ruins the floor.

4. Ice storms. Never had an ice storm in PA. That's more than I can say for Iowa. Ice stormed right up here. And I lost power because of it. I was forced to order Chinese food and eat it by candlelight like some animal.

5. Snow. Sure, sure, everybody, I'm sure this was the "worst" winter in a long time. I'm sure that you normally don't have this much snow. I'm not sure how your empty assurances help dig my car out or keep me from breaking my neck as I slip on the ice, but hey, thanks.

6. They don't plow the streets here. This is related to the snow issue, but still. Why can't you plow the roads, what am I supposed to do? I have to shovel my sidewalks or I will get fined, but apparently the road is another story.

7. Flooding. This is related to rain, snow and general suckiness. I have yet to experience this, but I'm sure it's coming.

8. Tornadoes. That's right. Tornadoes. I can't tell you how many times I've spent the evening cowering in my neighbor's house. Oh yes, I can. Two so far. More to come I'm sure.

9. And that brings us to today's point (we took the long way, deal with it), earthquakes. Yeah, earthquakes. Two of them so far today. One at about 4:45, which I didn't remember, but I woke up then, so I guess that's why. One at about 10:15 or so. I was sitting in my office for the second one and I started to feel weird and then I could see that my computer seemed to be shaking and the tea in the glass on my desk was moving a la Jurassic Park. At first I thought, tornado, but I didn't hear any sirens. Then I thought, I might be hallucinating as I didn't think there were earthquakes in the Midwest. How stupid am I?

Boy, I tell you, the desert may be dry and running out of water, but I would take living in Arizona where there are no natural disasters (drought doesn't count) any day. Seriously. Iowa should be renamed Suckville. Population: You.

And now it's raining again. Which is good because I have to go home soon and I was concerned that if it wasn't raining I might make it there dry and not cranky and then I'd have to drive to Chicago without fearing for my life. I think it's much better this way. Don't you?