Things that Television Taught Me Tonight

Today/tonight I've been watching television. It's not because I want to. It's because I'm sacrificing my time in order to learn things from television and pass them on to you. No, no, you don't have to thank me. I do it because I care. Here are some lessons that television has taught me tonight, in no particular order:

Arizona is beating BYU, but not the good Arizona school (ASU - GO SUN DEVILS!) The bad Arizona school...the school that thinks it's all awesome, but really we all know the truth.

Lard comes from around the kidney region of the pig.

Bobby Flay does contemporary Southwestern cuisine. Oddly, this is a fact that I've learned on two separate occasions tonight.

It's really crappy weather today. It will be even crappier tomorrow. Apparently some nice 20 to 30 MPH wind is currently occurring which is working to bring the temperature down to -30 with the windchill. Tomorrow the high will be 2 and the low will be -8. It will be 5 on Monday. It's 1 now.

Paula Deen is super crazy, but she seems really happy, so it's hard for me to begrudge her the craziness.

Alton Brown is sort of a pompous ass. I think that's an image he cultivates, so he probably doesn't care if I am saying it about him, but c'mon Alton, lighten up. Oh, and according to Alton most Americans mistakenly think that all of the heat in peppers come from the seeds, but in fact quite a bit is contained in the white membrane that holds the seeds to the pepper flesh. I'm not sure if he took a poll of most Americans or where he gets his information, but you know what Alton? I knew that. So ha!

Will Ferrel is taking over the air waves. I can't blame the networks because he is funny. I used to think that I hated Will Ferrel but then I realized that I own almost all of the movies he's been in and I had to finally admit to myself that, yeah, I do like Will Ferrel.

Ashton Kutcher loves taking pictures.

Saturday night is not the best night for television.

The women on the Rock of Love Charm School are hard core. I would not like to meet any of them on a dark street at night. I'm not sure what happens to people when they get on reality television. Do they feed those people a steady diet of drugs, alcohol and crazy pills? I would never go on reality television because they wouldn't have to cut the footage all that much to make me look like "the bitchy one" and I just don't want that on record for everyone to see. How do people go back to their normal lives after being on reality television? Why can't I turn off these shows??

There's some new natural sweetener that comes from the Stevia plant and doesn't have any calories and is all natural. Why has it taken us this long to find this natural, no calorie sweetener? What else are scientists and botanists working on? Some cure for cancer? Fine, I guess, but no calorie sweetener that won't give you cancer? Seems like something we should have been working harder on.

Never, never, never under any circumstances should you become a drug mule for a man that you barely know and just met in Thailand. I'd think that this would be obvious to anyone, but apparently it bears repeating because I just watched an entire hour long program in which this lesson had to be learned the hard way. Also, I'm 99.9% sure that you shouldn't be a drug mule ever. Just don't do it. Because I also learned where you put the drugs and trust me, it's not pretty.

I didn't like the movie Swordfish the first time and it turns out that hasn't changed. I will tell you this though, just like in the movie, our family's secret password, you know, in case a stranger ever came to pick you up and you had to ask them for the password that your parents told them and they had to tell you the right one? Ok, so our family's password was Swordfish. Um...ok, that's probably not safe. Listen, Andy if you are reading this, don't get in the car with any strangers who tell you that password. I'll ask Mom and Dad to come up with a different one and tell us. OK?

The Big Ten Network wins hands down for "Most Boringest Station on Television" and "Least Likely to Be Watched by Me".

I cannot tell a lie, I want a GT Express 101 Indoor Grill. I'm sorry. The infomercial convinced me. It's got a unique dual cooking chamber. How can anyone resist?

I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in over 10 years and I don't regret that decision one little bit.

I find it amazing that there are a ton of shows of which I have seen maybe 2 episodes, but every time I flip through, I somehow have seen that episode of the show? What are the odds?

Ok, I'm gonna go continue my education now. Hopefully these lessons will serve you well.