Guilty Little Secrets; Now with More Inside Jokes that will make it annoying for others

I'm sort of ashamed to admit this. And by "sort of", I mean, "really ashamed to admit this". I watch "reality" *wink,wink* television. There, I've said it. It's out there for the world to see. And, of course, by world, I mean Jesse. Hi, Jesse.

I used to think that I didn't like reality television because it's stupid and I watch tv (pronounced teeeee vee...I mean, tee veeee, sorry Zach) to escape. I don't watch it to see real life. I love willingly suspending my disbelief for an hour (read: 4 hours at a stretch) and enjoying the "could be" rather than the "what is". So when the reality television boom started, I was both appalled and annoyed and aggravated and aggrieved and apostolic...no, wait, not that last one. I just got all carried away in the moment. At any rate, I was not having it. So I didn't watch. I just sat around hoping it would go away. Watched my mystery and crime science shows (all that stuff that makes me dark...or is it that I like it because I'm dark? The world may never know) and just kind of waited for it to pass. On a side note, if I was to design a television schedule, it would look like this:

	Every Day	Every Day	Every Day	Every Day	Every Day	Every Day	Every Day
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote
All the time	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote	Murder She Wrote

As I was saying, I tried to wait it out. But tv execs everywhere decided to curse me (I assume they do it just to bother me. Just as I assume that's why anybody does anything.) and they just kept making more reality tv. And then one day, I noticed, "I kinda like this crap. It's like a train wreck, horrific and twisted, but I can't look away." And now I watch that shit all the time. I'm all about watching it. And I sort of hate myself (no, not more than normal), but I just can't stop. I think the fact that they edit them to bring out stories and make villains and heroes just makes it all the better in my opinion.

Because I LOVE lists here is a list of some of the shows I watch:

The Hills - I love the MTV shows apparently. I used to watch Real World when it was first on. This one has Lauren from Laguna Beach (which I totally watched) and some people she met in LA or wherever the hell the hills are. She's totally catty and has major drama. So great.
Life of Ryan- This is new. A skater kid and his life. It's kind of touching actually. The parents are getting a divorce, but honestly the family seems like they are pretty stable.
Newport Harbor- The new Laguna Beach. It's like BEING in high school. If you were really, really rich in high school and slept around a lot. I can't really relate to the experience, but the pettiness of it is appealing.
Real World: Sidney(also last season...and I can't even remember where it was)- These people are just so crazy. It's amazing how well the producers have honed down the characteristics that they need people to have in order to do some just insane stuff in a the house.
Scott Baio is 45 and Single - He has a life coach. He was Charles. And Chachi. 'Nuff said.
Flipping out- a show about a real estate mogul who buys houses, fixes them up and resells them for a profit. He has a staff of 4 that just kind of hang out with him all day, not really doing anything. Oh yeah, and he has OCD. Bad. He's so crazy, he makes me look well-adjusted.


There are a couple others. Like The Parker and stuff. Most of these I watch if they are on, but I don't care too much *wink, wink*. I think it's just that I can handle the "drama" that goes on in these shows because frankly, I don't care too much about the characters. It's an interesting little glimpse into the lives of other people. People without enough character and back story to make them truly lovable for me. I mean, let's face it. Nobody is coming close to holding a candle to Jessica Fletcher. Please. Don't make me laugh.

Well, we've learned a lot about, um, me today. I guess that's about it. T.G.I.F. with a vengeance people. Rock the weekend.

Should-a, Would-a, Could-a

What I am doing: Writing this blog post
What I should be doing: Working on my reading lists for my comprehensive exams
What I would be doing: Watching Murder She Wrote
What I could be doing: Taking a nap

I thought this would be a fun post title and that I could do some fun and creative writing with it. But after a bunch of tries, it turns out that's just not the case. I'm stubborn though, so I'm keeping the title and the one "successful" attempt at humor. Apparently, I'm fresh out of witty banter and creativity. Oh well. I guess it had to happen sometime. I can regal you with some banal minutiae from my life in the form of a list. Perhaps that will make up for the lack of quality. That's right. That's my motto, "Quantity not Quality". Also, "You've tried the best, now try the rest."

Some things:

1. I don't know what it is about people on the bus and touching me, but it happened again today. The woman in the seat to the side of me poked me in the arm on accident. Then, apparently in an attempt to apologize, she patted my arm. You know what? Just say you are sorry and don't do it again. End of transaction. We don't have to touch further for you to get across the point that you didn't mean to touch me in the first place. It's cool. I'm good. Thanks.

2. I found out that today in Iowa they don't make you get an emissions test or a safety inspection (take that Pennsylvania), but they do make you pay a yearly fee for registration, etc. that is based on some crazy formula. The list price of your car multiplied by a certain percentage based on the age of the car + the weight of the car * 40 cents and then you carry the naught. It's just a strange thing to me. It makes me wonder who came up with this formula and why? Was a single rate just too easy? Did Iowa (the same place that brought you those fun tests that you had to take for an entire week in grade school) just want to make sure everyone was paying attention when they went to the DMV? Actually, you can't go to the DMV to register your car. That's a whole separate thing that the "Treasurer's Office keeps track of. Speaking of which. Wouldn't it be so awesome if the Treasurer really held something of value. In some sort of chest. And was a pirate. Think about it. It would be a better world if that were true.

3. Some more things that would make it a better world: teeny, tiny, little puppy dogs that could fit in the palm of your hand and never got any bigger than that. Wouldn't that be awesome? It would be so cute and convenient because even if they made a mess, it would be so small anyway, you wouldn't care. Plus they could live comfortably in an apartment because it would be huge to them. Why aren't they genetically-engineering this for me right now? We can clone animals and we can't make a tiny puppy? Ridiculous. The market for this has got to be huge. I should have been a biologist/geneticist. Another thing that would make the world a better place would be baby janitors. Well, pretty much babies doing any job. It would be awesome if humans were more functional when they were born and then you could have a baby that cleans your office and sells you coffee in the morning. I think that would be awesome. I guess basically anything in miniature form is better than regular size (Hi, Jesse).

Hmm...I guess that's about it. I guess you could say, "I've got nothing." But sometimes that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Anti-Anti-Social

The last post was sort of a cheat because I wrote it awhile ago...considering my considerable lack of talent lately, I'm going to say it was a real long time ago. Anyway, I figured I should post a little something else to make it "official". Yeah, I'm an over-achiever, so what?


So if you know anything at all about me then you know that I don't like people. It's not really people per se, but their germs that I object to. Well, ok, honestly it is the people. I don't like them. But mostly I don't like them touching me. Or looking at me. Anyway. Today I got on the bus and I sat on a seat that didn't have anyone near it. I was all alone and that made me really happy. At the next stop this old lady gets on and she chooses to sit down right next to me. So now her shirt is touching my arm and she's really close. This is upsetting to me because I don't like being touched by other people's clothing (as I mentioned before). So I decide to hate her. I hate her for sitting next to me and continuously touching me. So we ride for awhile and I stew. At the stop near the hospital a girl wearing a necklace gets off the bus and the old lady turns to me with this happy, shining face and says, "I like her necklace." And suddenly, I loved her. How cute is that? She was just happy about beauty in the world and decided to share that with me. It made me happy. I can't wait to get old so that I can totally talk to strangers...and maybe sit on top of them a little bit. I'm so close to 80 in my heart-of-hearts, maybe I'll get started early.

An Oldie, but Goodie

I think I sent this post out a long time ago as part of the guerrilla blog, but it's been a long time and I'm pretty sure that I haven't posted it here. So it's not really "new", but it is funny in my opinion. Also, it makes me sound crazy...which is so true.

Enjoy. Or not. Just do whatever. That's what you're best at anyway.

They say there is a fine line between genius and madness. It would be putting on airs to say that I used to walk on just this side of genius. That’s not for me to say, history will make that judgment call. But I can say that I am probably currently tiptoeing my way along the path of madness. Here are some examples. I’ve put them in a list format because, let’s be honest, when you’re crazy it’s hard to organize your thoughts.

1. I recently had the thought (and it was a serious one) that perhaps I could ask all of the PSY 002 students that want to copy my notes to wash their hands before they touch my notes. I’m just saying, it would make me feel a whole lot better if they all had clean hands before touching my stuff. Alternatively, how feasible would it be for me to supply them with disposable gloves that they had to wear? I think this pretty much illustrates a clear descent into madness…but wait, there’s more!

2. I had a severe headache on Friday. It made me nauseous and I might have ended up getting up in the middle of my class and going to the bathroom to sort of dry heave and then expel liquid. Yes, that is what happened. Then I returned to class, looked at the professor and said, “I kind of just threw up, I have to go.” Which, given my nature was a fairly non-melodramatic exit. Although I did walk back into a discussion and then leave, but still, pretty mellow. At any rate, I had a headache on Saturday and on Sunday. Buy stock in Advil. I guarantee they are making loads off of me. Anyway, I think the headaches might be stress related. So…and this is the best part…I’ve been worrying about them. Yes, I’m stressed out about being stressed out. The fact that I might be stressed out, is in fact, definitely stressing me out. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle. It’s also a sure sign of the apocalypse.

3. I had a mini-mental breakdown the other day, complete with hysterics and lots of snot that resulted from a tiny slightly heated discussion with Zach. I was trying to explain something to him and he wasn’t seeing what I was saying, then he started to tease me (by pretending that he still didn’t get it) and I started to sob. It was awesome. I then went through every point of my day and tried to explain why I thought I might be crying. The best part? I’m still not sure what it was during the day that was so upsetting. I think it was just a combination of things. But I didn’t (and don’t) feel that “stressed”. I feel busy. I feel anxious sometimes, but I also feel pretty good most of the time. I’m thinking that perhaps I’m developing two personalities in an attempt to keep all the crazy suppressed. I have one personality that feels everything deeply and the other one maintains that everything is ok. The one that maintains that everything is fine is often in charge, but it’s getting harder for her to keep the crazy in order.

4. I think the people upstairs are trying to kill me. No, just kidding. I don’t think that. That would be crazy. I think that the people upstairs were sent by the devil to drive me insane though, and I think it’s working. My apartment is directly under the apartment that last year had a fire. Apparently the kid was on his couch smoking…when he fell asleep. And let me tell you something: if you are too tired to keep awake, then perhaps you shouldn’t be smoking. How the hell many people have to be involved in fires from cigarettes that ignited something while they were sleeping before we legislate this shit? People should not be allowed to smoke while sleepy. It should be a law, everyone should write their local Congressman (or in Adam’s case the Congressman of his choice). But I digress. Anyway, there are workmen in the apartment upstairs who come while Zach and I are at work and make all sorts of noise. I was dimly aware of these people on the few days that we have been home before 5. On Friday, in the midst of some special head pain, I was trying to lay down and get a little nap, when I was awoken (read: startled into sitting position and sort of a little bit wet my pants) by the loudest noise I have ever heard indoors. I have no idea what the hell they were doing up there, but it was so loud that I couldn’t handle it, I had to leave the apartment. For the most part, you don’t hear noises like that coming from above. Here’s what you do hear (as I hear it now while I sit at home): you hear men dropping things. That’s the only explanation. I think they just walk around dropping hammers and other heavy objects. It’s not hammering. There’s nothing rhythmic about what goes on up there. Just random dropping of heavy objects. I can’t imagine what Special Olympics (no actual offense intended) building crew they hired, but I think it is all part of the plot to drive me mad…and well, fellows, good job, it’s totally working.

That’s about all I’ve got time for now. I have to go finish counting the number of tiles that I have on my kitchen floor. Plus, I feel dirty and need to wash.

Acceptance...making an ass out of you and me

And now....today's post:

I often marvel at my (read: your) ability for acceptance. It's sort of mind-boggling how many situations we, as human beings, are willing and able to accept. I hate change. Hate it. I find it hard to deal with and onerous and it is not something I like to do. BUT, when the change has occurred, I find myself rapidly able to accept that change. It's eerie. Surreal. And I know I'm not the only one.

Acceptance.

It's the same thing that allows you to walk by that single sock on the floor, day after day after day and never pick it up. It becomes a part of the scenery. It's why my bedroom walls are still white even though I keep thinking we ought to put pictures up. It's why you go to work everyday even when you aren't happy. Or why you don't kill your kids (I imagine). Why you were in that relationship for so long even though it was just dragging you down. Or why you are in a wonderful relationship and tend to forget that.

You take things day by day and each day it becomes a little easier to accept them. For better or worse, you can get used to just about anything. Which is really amazing when I consider all the effort I put into fighting things. I expend lots of energy just trying to wish away the pounds or hope back the time or whatever. But what I'm trying to do (of late) and what I know I need to do is just

accept.

Let go.

Take a deep breath and realize that it will be ok because it has to be ok. There's an alternative, but it's messy.

So my message to you (read: me) is just to do your best each day to accept what comes and know that you are capable of handling it. Because you have this awesome capacity as a human being to change and adapt to your environment and you should use it.

I now return you to your day. Hopefully this last post hasn't been too sappy. I really tried to keep the sap out of it, but to write anything else would have been barking up the wrong tree. Get it? See what I did there? Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waitress.

Before we get to our regularly scheduled programming...

Before we get into today's promised post, I forgot to put one more of those excuses on the list from yesterday. It was the funniest one I had too, which makes it extra lame that I forgot.

Excuse

8. I don't have any children to blog about.

Response:

8. Actually this is a really awesome excuse. I don't have any children to post pictures of or tell "cute" stories about...although Zach did say the darndest thing the other day while he was on the potty. And as you may have discovered by reading the internet, 98% of all blogs are about children. The other 2% are written by angst-ridden teenagers.* I'm neither, so it's just a little bit harder for me. But I will try to prevail.



*Yeah, Jesse, your blog does fall into one of these two categories.

My Blog Really Isn't Better Than Your Blog

So it's been 4 months or so since my last post. Wow. That's a long time in between posts. I'm going to bet that anyone that ever read the blog has since given up "hope" that there will ever be anything else here. I suppose that's not such a bad thing. It's just par for the course really. I have decided to try my hand at blogging again though. I thought I would make myself try for "a-post-a-day-spectacular". I can almost guarantee that it will be anything but spectacular, but at least there will be a post a day for the next month. Although as I write this, it's the 3rd day of September. But still. I can always try. It's like they say, "if you fall off the horse, just lay still and you will be trampled to death" or something to that effect.

Here are some reasons why I haven't posted in forever:

1. I moved
2. General Malaise
3. Summer happened
4. I started school again
5. Moving was really hard
6. I'm incredibly unmotivated to do anything
7. I have nothing to say

Here are some snappy comebacks to those reasons:

1. People move everyday and unlike some do-gooder you didn't move to some 3rd world country without internet to vaccinate children or whatnot, you moved to Iowa. They have the internet in Iowa.
2. Get over it.
3. You could always take the computer outside and get your vitamin D while you type.
4. You haven't done anything in school yet either, you're lazy.
5. You didn't even have to do that much heavy lifting in the move.
6. See # 2
7. Neither does anybody else, but it doesn't stop them from posting.

And so you see, I have talked myself into the "post-a-day-September-spectacular". Honestly, if you can't go for quality, overwhelm them with quantity.

Stay tuned. Or not. The choice is yours.