Iowa: The Suckiest State in the Union

Ok, the title isn't really fair. I haven't lived in all 50 states. Hell, I haven't even visited all 50 states, so I can't say without a doubt that Iowa is the suckiest state in the union. I'm betting there are worse. In fact, I've been to Texas, and well, Texas might be suckier, but still. Iowa. You are killing me. Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel good keeping me down? What is the deal?

You, loyal readers, might remember the other reasons that I think Iowa sucks. I'll recap for those who might have missed out.

1. Iowa is in the middle of the country. Everyone knows the cool stuff happens on the outside edges of things. Quick, what's better than the inside? That's right, the outside.

2. Iowa is full of corn. Yeah, corn. And they have so much corn that they force it on you as a fuel source. But they don't just make it so that you have an option. They try to trick you into using it by putting tiny, almost imperceptible stickers that mark the gas pump as "ethanol". And of course that's the cheapest gas, so you think, "oh, I'll get the cheap stuff". But then you have to pull back as if burned because you can't put ethanol in a car that's not equipped for it...and guess whose car is not equipped for it?

3. It rains here. And it's humid, hot, dark, lame. The rain is nice because it goes in my car and ruins the floor.

4. Ice storms. Never had an ice storm in PA. That's more than I can say for Iowa. Ice stormed right up here. And I lost power because of it. I was forced to order Chinese food and eat it by candlelight like some animal.

5. Snow. Sure, sure, everybody, I'm sure this was the "worst" winter in a long time. I'm sure that you normally don't have this much snow. I'm not sure how your empty assurances help dig my car out or keep me from breaking my neck as I slip on the ice, but hey, thanks.

6. They don't plow the streets here. This is related to the snow issue, but still. Why can't you plow the roads, what am I supposed to do? I have to shovel my sidewalks or I will get fined, but apparently the road is another story.

7. Flooding. This is related to rain, snow and general suckiness. I have yet to experience this, but I'm sure it's coming.

8. Tornadoes. That's right. Tornadoes. I can't tell you how many times I've spent the evening cowering in my neighbor's house. Oh yes, I can. Two so far. More to come I'm sure.

9. And that brings us to today's point (we took the long way, deal with it), earthquakes. Yeah, earthquakes. Two of them so far today. One at about 4:45, which I didn't remember, but I woke up then, so I guess that's why. One at about 10:15 or so. I was sitting in my office for the second one and I started to feel weird and then I could see that my computer seemed to be shaking and the tea in the glass on my desk was moving a la Jurassic Park. At first I thought, tornado, but I didn't hear any sirens. Then I thought, I might be hallucinating as I didn't think there were earthquakes in the Midwest. How stupid am I?

Boy, I tell you, the desert may be dry and running out of water, but I would take living in Arizona where there are no natural disasters (drought doesn't count) any day. Seriously. Iowa should be renamed Suckville. Population: You.

And now it's raining again. Which is good because I have to go home soon and I was concerned that if it wasn't raining I might make it there dry and not cranky and then I'd have to drive to Chicago without fearing for my life. I think it's much better this way. Don't you?

All About Me...of course

It's funny, but I was just noticing today that the weather in the midwest and my mood are about as changeable. If you know anything about midwestern weather or my mood, I'm sure you can sympathize. I try to be on an even keel, but it's just not something that seems to happen. Oh well, you get the lows and you get the highs. I guess, unless you are Zach, you can pick and choose which one you want.

It's dark here today because it is supposed to storm, but at least it is warm-ish. Supposedly about 56 for the high today. I wore a jacket to the bus today, but quickly took it off. It's humid as well, which makes me feel like it's much hotter than it is. I'm special like that. Well, honestly, I'm special in so many ways. But that's one of them.

I hope the weather holds out for tomorrow because Zach and I are going to Chicago. I'm excited. This weekend will be a nice chance to relax. I will get to see Grandma and watch the Cubs and eat some Superdawg. So delicious. I plan to squeeze as many baked goods out of her as I can. Go me!

Anyway, I'm trying to get back into the posting, so look to the blog in the future. Tell your friends. Start fan clubs. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

A Day in the Life

Yesterday it was warm. It was in the 60s. Zach and I for the 3rd day in a row went for our vitamin D intake by completing some outdoor activities. On Sunday, you may recall, I caddied while he played Frisbee Golf (or as the "pros" call it, Disc Golf). On Monday we went to the park near our house to practice the fundamentals of the disc throwing. I put the "fun" in fundamentals and because Zach showed such marked improvement in aim and distance he only had to do one lap. And he only had to do that lap for mouthing off to me at the start of training. You can't let kids today get too mouthy. So yesterday we went and flew a kite. It was a tiny affair, covered in cartoon bugs and the string came with a knot in it so that the kite didn't get too high, but it was $1.99 at Walgreens, so it was awesome. We also fixed our neighbor's windshield wipers. Well, fix is too strong a word. We put new blades on for him (not the Mormon, by the way). It was an awesome sense of accomplishment. I'm not going to try to describe it here because that would just cheapen it, but Zach and I worked as a team to accomplish something that we've never done before and I loved it. I'm actually very good at putting things together. It was a real win for the couple though because we each figured out a piece of how it should be done. And that's why I'm getting married folks, I've found my teammate.

Today I am still taking it a bit easier. I've got some work to do here, but mostly I've got meetings and some subjects to run and the rest of the time I will likely be looking at news stories and slacking off. Zach commented that I was really relaxed yesterday and how much he missed that. I know baby, I know. The better version of myself is the relaxed one. It's so unfortunate that the worries make me all lame. Oh well. Onward and upward.

I also tried two new recipes yesterday and made a really good dinner. It was essentially vegan as well I noticed (except for the butter, but that could be substituted out easily) and so I am going to pass on the recipes to Sara and other vegan friend I have here.

That's about it. Oh, yeah, except for this other gem. I was telling Zach yesterday (as I've been saying for awhile now) that I find the people here to be really nice, but I can't connect with them. I feel like they are nice, but there's just something missing. I also feel like all of my interactions are awkward...and I think if you find yourself feeling awkward over 80% of the time, it's likely to be you that's the problem, not the rest of the world, ok, emo kid? Just suck it up and realize that everyone really does "get" you. Anyway, I was talking about how I try to be nice back and Zach said, "do you think it's because you can't be sarcastic and cutting with these people that you don't feel like you relate?" I swear to you, it was like a brilliant 1000-watt light bulb went off. Yeah, Zach, yeah, I do. That's exactly the problem I think. I need people who I don't think will be offended. I've tried to be more like myself, but these people are not responsive to sarcasm on the whole. They don't seem to find that funny. And that's about, oh, what? Maybe 85% of what I do? Something like that. I find it highly special that I am the one in a Psychology program (albeit, not that type of psychology) and Zach is the one who has insights like this. I guess it is true what they say though, when you're looking at your own behaviors/feelings/etc. sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.

Well, I've filled my quota for the day. End communication.

On The Other Side of the Cubicle Wall

Read this, this and that before proceeding, please.

I walked into the “office” and was immediately assailed by the smells of garlic, basil and tomatoes. It could be worse. I’m Italian by heritage and so those smells are as ingrained in me as my hirsuteness. My last place of employment was over a dry cleaners and I’m fairly certain that I’ve inhaled enough chemical cleaner to do some damage, but that’s life. You have to keep going in this world or what’s the point.

I walk over to my cubicle and glance with pride at the new name plate: “Helen Heart” it reads. Hel for short. Hel Heart, P.I., pleased to make your acquaintance. I take a seat at my desk and as I do, I glance surreptitiously at the guy in the cubicle next to me. I’d say we were rivals, but that implies that I think he can hold a candle to my abilities as a P.I., and I don’t. He’s a damn fine bartender, but I think he really lacks the stuff to make a collar on his own. Sure, he’s solved a lot of cases and sure he’s often asked for by the clients, but most of that has been luck. Plain and simple. I don’t rely on luck. I rely on skill. Skill and feminine wiles. Both of which I have in abundance. I’m what you call Zaftig. I’ll save you the trouble of looking it up. It just means I can fill out a dress. And boy, can I. Don’t let them ever tell you that females are the weaker sex. That’s just a load of horse puckey dreamed up by the boys up top to keep a good woman down, or on her back, but it’s ridiculous. I’ve made men cower and beg at my feet. But enough about me, let’s get back to the case at hand.

As I glance over at Green, I can see he’s on a phone call. I sit down at my desk, pull out my headset, and carefully place it so that it looks like it’s covering my ears, but so I can hear everything he says. I listen. He’s not really saying much. I think he manages to squeak out an “ok” or a “yes, sir”, but for the most part he seems to be just sitting there. You see, that’s what I mean about Green, good listener, but not much of an action man. I put on my headphones. It’s obviously not worth my time to eavesdrop any more. I usually try to help him out with these things, but I’ve got my own business to attend to. I’m typing up a report on a case I solved just last week.

I hear the fax machine going in the cubicle next to me. Well, well, well, Green is multitasking. I hope he can read whatever comes off the fax and keep up his taxing end of the conversation. I pipe some cool jazz into my headphones as I begin typing up my report. I’m just getting into the grove when the music cuts out. My phone is ringing through. I tap the correct button on my headset and answer the phone.

“Acme Investigations & Italian, Hel Heart Speaking. Personal, professional, or take-out?”

The voice that answered back would change my life forever.

Post 101 Even More Spectacular than Post 100

I feel as though I should keep it together and weave a coherent storyline for you. But then I also feel like, this is my blog, it's better than yours, and if I want to write a series of unconnected thoughts then I will.

• I'm working on the wedding registries today. Why? Because when you get married you have to register for gifts...or so the Germans would have us believe*. In reality, Zach and I are poor and what do poor people need? Money. We don't need a waffle maker, but damned if I wasn't compelled to register for one. Oh well. But if you are looking for the perfect gift for us, it's money. We have most of the house things we need now...and we are going to move out of Iowa soon enough and don't need to be renting a giant moving van just to take stuff with us. Plus, Heidi and Anthony have a lot of stuff already, we can't be cluttering up their house with too much extra stuff.**
• I'm at work today. Today was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel the oppression of work bearing down on me. It's a feeling that will come back soon as I prepare to orally defend (not like that Jesse, not like that) my comps. But for the moment, all is well because I have finished my papers. Each was 54 pages including references, appendices, figures and tables. That's 108 pages. It's also eerie that both were exactly 54 pages. Eerie or well-planned by someone with a hint of OCD? You be the judge.
• Today, while at work, I cleaned my counter tops and sink and dusted. I also cleared off my desk and put things into neat little piles. Tomorrow I have to really start preparing for the defense, but I wanted to just take a minute.
• Yesterday I was Zach's caddy for disc golf. That's golf with a Frisbee. Why was I the caddy? Well, there are a couple reasons. 1) I can't throw a Frisbee well 2) I get frustrated easily 3) While I am pretty sure that it was too cold for the ticks to be awake yet, I wasn't taking too many chances 4) I'm very good at knowing what needs to be done to be successful, but not doing it. For example, I taught my brother to roller skate and he's good at it, but I can't roller skate. I completely understand how it's supposed to be done and what techniques to use...I just can't do it. I make an awesome caddy though because I have good advice and I kept score.
• It's sunny outside right now. That's pretty kick ass. It's also supposed to be warmish...maybe in the 50s. Zach and I are going to walk home which should be pretty fun. Then we might hit the park after our workout (today it's legs, gotta work on those calves) and practice with the Frisbee. Zach's good, but I really think he needs to practice the fundamentals.
• I keep calling this nun at the church across the street from me. Zach and I have to take a class if we want to get married in the church. She keeps not calling me back. Can everyone pray to God to make her call me back? I'm assuming that's how the system works. Tell her boss and I'll be really grateful.
• I have to go now. I need to work on figuring out what every one's wearing to the wedding. My mom and everyone else apparently are dying to know. I gotta tell you, show up in potato sacks for all I care. I don't want a big white dress, but whatever. I must continue on.

Out.




*20 points for knowing this quote for those of you playing our home addition.
**It's a running joke now. Yes, funny.

I Thought the 100th Post would be Slightly More Exciting than This

You did too? Yeah, well, we can't always get what we want. Which is a shame. I could totally use a teacup piglet right now. I had a dream last night that there were miniature elephants, hippos and pigs and I was going to get to play with them. It was pretty awesome. I love all things tiny. It's too bad I'm not a giant because then the whole world would be tiny. Man, so many good wishes, so little time.

Speaking of little time, I'm sort of not working right now which isn't helping that conclusion get written or those papers get a final editizing (yep, that's a word, never mind what spell check tells you). But that's ok. It's only 7:40 in the morning. Hell, in AZ it's only 5:40 in the morning. So I've got plenty of time left in the day. Plus it's still really dark outside. Why? Well, I assume that it has something to do with the black clouds raining down um...rain. Raining down rain like clouds are wont to do (not very descriptive, huh?).

Anyway, I have to run a subject in about 15 minutes. If, IF, she shows up this time. Last time she didn't show and then sent me an email about how she was at the room, but no one came out to get here. That's bullshit for a bunch of reasons. 1) I compulsively check the hallway when I think someone is going to be here. I checked for her from about 7:45 until about 8:45 (her appointment was for 8 in the morning the other time too). 2) The door and hallway have multiple signs stating, "If you are late or have been waiting more than 5 minutes, please knock on the door." and 3) I could just tell she was lying. But honestly the first two reasons were super good. But whatever, I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I am nothing if not compassionate. So we'll see what happens this time. Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, I take away your credit and smear your name on the internet.

This post is really a post of mixed blessings. On the one hand, I seem to be feeling pretty wordy today (that's word-a-licious for you sticklers for proper grammar), on the other hand, I don't really have anything to say. I guess you really do win some and lose some. Perhaps post 101 will be even more fantastic. One can only hope. I'm starting to feel a little less weighed down by my comps. I still think it's quite possible that I will fail. But then I get to get out of Iowa...and I think Heidi and Anthony just fixed up their guest room for us, so that should be nice.

Keep being excited about life people.

So Close and Yet So Far

I'm at post 99. That's right. Go back and check. It's true. I'm almost there...and by almost there I guess I mean at 100 posts. There's not going to be anything exciting that occurs because of that fact, but I thought I would share. I'm all about sharing. Not recently. Recently I'm not at all about sharing. But that's just because I've been busy and it turns out that writing 80 pages worth of scholarly work (not including figures and references because that would just be silly) is a bit draining. And by a bit draining, I mean, "sucks the life right out of you and all those you love". But sometimes that's how life is I guess. I'm also working on the wedding plans.

In reference to the wedding plans, thus far, no one at the wedding has any idea what they will be wearing. Maybe I'll just tell everyone to "dress nice" and see how coordinated we end up being. That would be pretty awesome. I'll just passive aggressively make everyone wear what I want..."oh, you know what I like, just wear whatever you think would be best." And then when they get there I can just get all angry and sullen. Yeah, I guess if we're honest there's about an 80% chance of that happening anyway. Whatever. Some of us are good at being nice, some of us aren't.

I'm trying to think of exciting things in my life to mention, but I'm really coming up with a blank. Here's some highlights in list form. Because as I've rediscovered while writing my comps papers, I'm not good at transitions. If you can't fill in for yourself where I'm going and how I got there, too bad.

• Zach and I had plans with two different groups of people last Friday. We went to a bar with our neighbor and his niece and her husband. It was fun. We drank and ate bar food and talked. Then we went to a poker party with some people from work. This was still fun, although less so. It would have been super fun if everyone had been there to just have a good time and not "play some serious poker"-emphasis on SERIOUS. Some people feel that if you are not playing the game the "right way" then it's not worth playing. I'm not really one of the people. We weren't even playing for actual money. I hate competition. I just want everyone to be happy. The wedding should include board games. That would really make it the best day ever.
• Zach and I worked on Sunday and we took yesterday off. It was pretty fun. I did a bunch of wedding invitations and we watched Dan in Real Life. I thought it was pretty good. Sort of expected, but I do like Steve Carrell. He's good even in dramatic roles. And we watched some Bad Girls Club. Just a little bit. Zach's sort of enamored of that show. I think it's just so much of a train wreck. I know that they cut reality shows to present the craziest stuff at all times, but still I wonder how crazy these people are in real life. If I was on one of those shows, I wouldn't yell. I would just quietly walk around the house scowling and sighing as I cleaned up after people. Actually, I wouldn't be able to use a bathroom that 5-7 other strangers were using. Come to think of it with all the gross nasty sexual stuff that seems to happen in that show, I wouldn't be able to sit or stand anyone in the house. Oh, God, I have to go wash my hands now.
• Today I suppose I should work on the conclusions for my papers. In addition to being really bad at transitions, I'm bad at conclusions. You know what? You just read the whole paper, what did you think it was about? Why do I have to boil it all down and recap it for you? Huh. Now that I think about it, I hate "the recap" too. Both Jesse and Zach love the recap. Always wanting to recap. Me, I'm not really into it. It's sort of a shame that I've got another 50 years of recapping ahead of me then.
• I'm supposed to meet with my advisor in 5 minutes. I'm currently rocking out to Elton John and writing this. I guess I'll see if he comes up here and if not...well, maybe I can be bothered to go down there. We'll see.
• I really appreciate the lies the Weather Channel chose to tell today. "Sunny". Sunny? Hmm, I forget is sunny the one that is all dark and gray and there's not a lot of light and it looks like rain? Is that "sunny"? I'm bad with weather terms. At least they got the windy right.
  
• Our recent electric/gas bill was $.85. That's because last month we paid $276.83. I called last month and spoke to a customer service representative. I told her that I thought a mistake had been made because we've never used that much electricity/gas before and even though I know it was cold, it wasn't that cold. I also mentioned that our meters were changed out to automatic ones and maybe that was the problem. She assured me repeatedly that that was not the case. I was wrong. The last month was an estimate and when they got the actual reading they had to increase the amount. Just pay the damn bill. Well, this month a big ol' credit showed up. I called again because I'm not going to pay $.85 and then have them bill me $400 next month. This time I was told, "yeah, well, we messed up." When I explained what I thought had happened last month, she said, "yeah, you were right." Ha! Eat that Customer Service Representative #1. I WAS RIGHT! Burn!
• An as one final note, what happened to the cents sign? I miss that. I was I could type that easily. Oh well.

Hope you are all having a good day. 100 is almost here. Get excited.