Saturday is College Football Day...Apparently

Today I was going to go to the homecoming game, but I didn't want to walk the 1 mile there and 1 mile back (see how that works? it's physics or something). I didn't want to risk hurting my foot/ankle more. So I didn't go. But I hear it was a good time. Iowa lost though. I'd muster up some disappointment at this outcome, but I'm not really that emotionally invested.

In other sports news, the Cubs are the NL Central Division Champions. That's pretty sweet. Apparently I'm willing to emotionally invest in some sports. Who knew?

Right now I am waiting for Zach to start the movie and shut off the stupid college football that he is watching. I won the rock/paper/scissors contest (rock - for those of you wondering), so he has to get popcorn and iced tea and start the movie at 9 instead of 9:30 or 10:00 which was his previous estimate. I run a tight ship up in here at Casa de Halterman. Not really. I run a ship full of holes, rats and pirates, but again, I digress.

I was planning to write something coherent, some sort of essay. I really think that was my intention earlier, but sadly, I've forgotten what it was that I thought was so profound or possibly entertaining. I'll try to work on that for later.

I took a nap today and it just wiped me out. It was like an anti-nap or something. I woke up and now I'm all tired and groggy. Ah well. I also bought some new bras today. That's probably something that not everyone needs to know. But this is my blog and as I'm probably the only one who reads it with any regularity, I'll share what I want to. The woman in front of me in line was paying with a check. I was sort of unaware that people still used checks. I stopped to think about the purpose of a check. I mean, sure, you can use it to mail in with your monthly bills...although those are on-line now too. I don't know why you ever need to use a check when you are transacting in person. I'm not saying that everything has to be done with a debit card. Cash is cool too. But why, if you have the money in your checking account aren't you just paying with a debit card? Welcome to the 15th Annual Meeting of the Judgemental Whores Club. Sorry, mystery woman. If you want to pay by check, go for it. Who am I to judge?

I also read Dear Abby today. Reading that column unfailingly makes me shocked and awed. It's like that Van Buren woman is staging an offensive against me and it's totally working. I have to believe that these letters are fake. Are there really people out there with such lame problems who can't find a person in their lives to ask? I mean, really. I try not to read it, but sometimes after I finish the comics I still have a little leftover time and my eye wanders. Today there was a letter about a woman who is allergic to cold. She says that she can't eat, drink or breathe anything at a cold temperature for fear that she will die. I just right this minute (now, it was that minute) googled allergy to cold and according to the Mayo Clinic it's possible. Although they didn't mention death. Go ahead, google it yourself, you know you want to. Regardless of what the internet is telling me (All hail the Internet - Keeper of Knowledge) - I still find an allergy to cold hard to believe. Cold is not even a thing. It's a state. How can you be allergic to a state? Except for Florida. I can see being allergic to Florida. OOOOOOHHHHHH BURN!

Ok, I'm out. It's time for the movie and really the whole post was just a set-up for a single joke. Check and check. Good-night.

Dial F for Friday

It's almost the end of the month. That means it's really close to the end of me posting every day. I mean, maybe I still will...but likely not. Are you a tiny bit sadder now? Did some of the light just go out of your eyes? I know, I feel it too. Today I wanted to do something exciting and creative. But then I remembered that we're fresh out. So I decided upon a list of my favorite things. But not just any list. A 26 item list. Because the requirement is that each thing has to start with a letter of the alphabet. I also promise not to spend more than 10 minutes on this because I've got things to do (no, not really). So if you get bored easily. Thanks for stopping by and I'll try to be more entertaining tomorrow (don't count on it). If you are not the faint of heart - read on.

(begin time 3:50 PM)

Alphabet Favorites

Arizona (favorite state)
Birthday (favorite holiday)
Crime drama (favorite tv genre)
Disease (favorite thing to worry about)
Eggs (favorite breakfast food to keep me full)
F***(favorite expletive that makes you sound like a sailor)
Gonzo (favorite muppet)
Happy (favorite feeling, though perhaps not the most frequent)
IPod (favorite ruined item/gift idea)
Jerkwad (favorite insult that's not used enough)
Ken (favorite date for Barbie...I just have nothing on this one for some reason)
Land (favorite thing to stand on)
Me (favorite person to think of)
Narcissist (favorite personality type)
Ocean (favorite body of water)
Purses (favorite item to purchase and use once)
Quilts (favorite thing to think about making as my next craft project)
Rose (favorite person)
Silence (favorite sound next to my own voice)
Tea (Iced - notice the "d" at the end, it's not ice tea - favorite drink in the world)
Uvula (favorite clean word that sounds dirty)
Victory (favorite thing to lord over other people)
Wind (favorite weather condition to hate)
Xylophone (favorite word that starts with X)
Yo-yo (favorite toy that people (read: boys) can use to impress me)
Zach (favorite boyfriend ever)


(End time 4:01 PM)

I was so close to making it in 10 minutes. I didn't have a second hand, so maybe I really did make it. I'd like to think so.

And scene.

Thursday is the day after Wednesday

So in what seems to be a recurring theme here on My Blog is Better Than Your Blog - I have nothing interesting to say. But I still stand by the statement that my blog is better than your blog. Because the bar is really, really low.

I'll give you some random thoughts from the day. It's not exactly riveting, but it is fulfilling the quota and I'm all about just maintaining. No reason to try to excel just reach mediocrity.

Siggy (the iPod) is dead. R.I.P., Siggy, R.I.P. You will be missed. I think he's gone for good this time because well, just trust me, it doesn't bode well for him ever coming back. Oh well, you live, you love, your appliances die, your friends purchase you new appliances to replace the old...you learn to love again. It's the circle of life.

My foot still hurts. It hurts bad. I'm not going to the doctor though. Because as much as everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac, I'm not. A hypochondriac likes to visit the doctor and "confirm" illness. I hate the doctor and I hate actually knowing if something is wrong with me. I prefer instead to make up wild fantasies in my head and see how they pan out. That's just the way I roll.

The Cubs lost again today. To the Marlins. The Marlins. I'm not going to act like I'm the biggest baseball fan ever, but I love the Cubs and I can't understand how they could lose 3 games to the Marlins...when the Marlins suck ass. And you know what People of Florida? You don't deserve a baseball team because your stadium wasn't even half full. People fill up Wrigley even when the Cubs are in last place. Shame, Floridans, shame. Seriously. Not just for the baseball either. Oooohh, ZING! The blog is politically relevant now. Well, it's politically relevant about 7 years in the past, but it's a start.

I'm watching Reaper right now. I didn't catch the start, but it seems a decent. Directed by Kevin Smith. Who also has a blog. And it's being turned into a book. A real book I guess, people approached him to publish it. Wow...looking back over the punctuation in this paragraph so far is sorta painful. Oh well, I'm pushing through. Anyway, I read a little bit of the blog and no offense, but the parts I read weren't that interesting. He did mention a kid though, so that probably counts for something. I just find it sort of hard to believe that his blog deserves a book. Although if for some reason Kevin Smith you've googled yourself, Kevin Smith and you are reading this Kevin Smith. I thought Mallrats was awesome. Except for Claire Forlani. She didn't seem like she could act her way out of a paper bag...although I've never understood why anyone would need to act themselves out of a paper bag. But I digress. Kevin Smith, your blog is alright, but I think we can all agree, mine's better.

And that's the Rose Show everybody! Goodnight!

Today Was A Good Day*

Today (or tonight rather) I bring you some updates and a story.

So my foot still hurts. It might hurt less than yesterday, but it's hard to tell. I'm too precious to suffer so I don't do it well.

Today I gave a presentation in front of a large group of people. It was only 5 minutes. People told me I did well. I don't know. I'm uber critical of myself, so I'm not a fair judge. I do know that I was talking really, really fast. Partway through I thought, "Man, I am talking way too fast." But by then I had momentum and I just had to plow through. But at least it's done now.

Jesse also mentioned that there is a "service" that will turn your blog into a book. I make you this promise people, if I get the iPod Nano (or similarly awesome gift) for my birthday, the party favors are going to be books. Books of this blog. That's right, that offer just happened. I know, I know, some of you are wetting yourselves now. And those of you who know me are just so excited about the possibility. I know, I know.

I'm currently not dead from eating any broken glass. I'm not sure when the danger will be passed though because I don't know how long it takes glass in your system to kill you. I'm not a doctor. I just play one in my mind.

And now, the story. Zach works at a property management company and he gets to field calls from the tenants. Sometimes they yell at him. Sometimes they ask him annoying questions. And sometimes they just hand him comic gold:

A girl calls up and says, "Um...I have a problem."
"Ok, what can I help you with?"
"I think my oven is broken."
"Uh-huh and what's wrong with it?"
"Well, I turn it on and then it turns itself off and then I have to turn it on higher and then it turns itself off again and then finally I keep turning it up until I can't turn it up any higher and it still shuts itself off."

Do you see where this story is going? Because it's awesome. And if you don't see where this is going then, that's just sad for you. Sad for you and the privileged princess that can't use her oven.

So at this point, Zach has to put her on hold so that he can laugh at her because he can't contain himself any longer.

Zach, "Ok, so um...here's what I think is happening. I think your stove still works. What happens is that the stove is preheating. So it's not actually turning off."
"Huh...um...ok, see I don't cook a lot."

Newsflash, really? Really, you don't cook a lot? I never would have guessed. No, I'm being sarcastic. I would totally have guessed.

"Why don't you try turning it on and putting something in there to cook and if I doesn't cook then you can call us back and I'll send someone out."
"Ok"

He reports that after a little bit, she seemed to feel a little abashed. I think it's awesome that this girl is able to be in an apartment by herself (or with some unlucky roommate) and she doesn't know how an oven works. What kind of special life did she lead that she's never used an oven? Zach said, "What kind of mean nanny, doesn't teach a kid how to work a stove?" It's a good point. We laughed for a long time yesterday when he told me. It's just incredible that she didn't feel that the oven was really, really hot. You'd think by trial-and-error she would have figured out that it was working. I mean, a trained monkey can make a frozen pizza - no offense intended to the trained monkeys reading this blog. I imagine her in the apartment, frozen food in hand, just sitting there hungry and trying to figure out what to do. And finally concluding that maybe it's a KFC kind of night.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm tired and I need to go to sleep.

Good-night.

*I do love me some Ice Cube.

We Interrupt This Malaise to Bring You a Health Update

I know that I'm always saying that I'm going to die. I may not have mentioned it enough on this blog, but allow me to start now. I think I'm going to die. Here's the story:

I was eating lunch. I had a couple of corn tortillas (and yeah, I'm sticking to the story that it was just a couple) and some cucumber slices with ranch dip. I went back downstairs to get another tortilla to dip into the ranch dip...because I was tired off just eating it off my finger (note to roommates: you don't want that dip unless you want my germs...so maybe you do want that dip). So I came back up and sat down at the computer and I felt a little prick on my arm as it brushed my leg, but didn't see anything. Then as I dipped a piece of tortilla in the dip and put it in my mouth I felt a prick on my finger and I saw a tiny sliver of glass in my finger. So I pulled it out and then I spit out the mouth full of food I had and started shrieking.

And now I'm pretty sure I'm going to die. Seriously. What am I going to do? Where did the glass come from? Is it poisonous? Do you think someone is trying to get me to eat ground glass? What would be the motive? I don't have any money. I'm so concerned. I know that you're all doubting me now, but when I wake up dead tomorrow, then who will be sorry?

In other news, my foot hurts. I went for a 1.5 hour walk yesterday. I thought that everything was fine. My feet didn't hurt while I walked or at all yesterday (though to be fair, after I walked, I don't think I moved more than 10 feet all day). But today when I walked to the bus and then to my building, I was limping. My left foot/ankle is killing me. I would have run around screaming about dying from the scary glass now working its way through my veins, but I can't. I just can't. Literally.

I guess only time will tell if I am going to live to post another day.

Greta Garbo Said It Best

I bought a Demetri Martin cd (These are the Jokes) off of iTunes yesterday. It's pretty funny.

He had this joke:

"There are some many board games with so many different titles. Sometimes I feel like they could all be called the same thing- which one of my friends is a competitive a**hole. It's like, tonight we played, Steve."

Sunday Bloody Sunday

So this week's title theme was song titles. 5 points to those of you playing at home. I thought today we'd talk about some more of my shortcomings. Because I don't think we focus on those enough. But then I thought no, you know what? I'm not going to do that. Because this is my blog and not a support group.

Then I realized I have nothing else to talk about. Because my parents said that, "if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all."