Another Guest Blog

This is a blog that my brother AKA Prisoner # 1293810293 wrote. I think it's funny and thought I would post it here for the benefit of others. Enjoy!

Original Title: Larry vs. The 2007 Google Zeitgeist

http://www.google.com/intl/en/press/zeitgeist2007/index.html

In case any of you missed it, Google, the company whose motto is "don't be evil,**" unleashed the Google Zeitgeist. Yes, you read that right: "Zeitgeist." It is a web page that tells viewers what the most searched items in Google were for 2007. It is like a poltergeist only scarier: it is a reflection of what most fascinates people.

Let's rundown the most disturbing portions of page:

1) The three most popular searches for 2007 in the world were American Idol, YouTube, and Britney Spears. As a global community our priorities to be informed most center around entertainment, entertainment, and entertainment. I'd be okay with that if it were good entertainment, but American Idol? The newly castrated YouTube? Crazy bitch Britney Spears? Come on folks, we can, nay, need, to do better than that. If you find that shit entertaining you should let me take you out back and whack you in the head with a hammer a few times, I'm sure you'll think it's a blast. But then again I guess I'm in the minority… I digress.

2) There is a section on "fastest gainers;" those search items that did not rank high in the over all standings for the year because of their temporal nature. For the four quarters of the year the top gainers were Anna Nicole Smith, Virginia tech, Vanessa Hudgens, and Pavoratti. 3 out of 4 top news items of 2007 involved celebrities, 3 out of 4 dealt with death, 2½ out of 4 dealt with tits (Smith and Hudgens + ½ Pavoratti – he was big by the end of his life). I don't really take solace in the fact Pavoratti made the list either. He was an entertainer and I'm not one to make distinction between high and low brow entertainment. Whether you are enjoying an opera or experimenting with glory-holes, you are still getting your jollies off. Just because society deems one high or low brow, doesn't mean it is any different. Entertainment is entertainment. Do you know what the Romans did in their bath houses? It was entertaining, and socially acceptable, but by today's Puritanical standards it was sinful… I digress again.

3) My favorite page is called "Top of the Mind." It lists the top questions starting with why, what, and how. I listed the questions below with my snarky answers in parenthesis. I tried to be as brief as possible, which was easy, because some of the answers were the same.
Who is...
1. who is god (who ever he or she is, I'm sure they are on the internet – you asshole)
2. who is who (if you have to ask, you'll never know)
3. who is lookup (um, good question?)
4. who is jesus (see no. 1)
5. who is it (see no. 2)
6. who is buckethead (who would have thought a tall man dressed like Col. Sanders with a Michael Meyers mask and a KFC bucket on his head playing guitar like a madman would get this high on the list – unless it's another buckethead that I don't know about, it might be, it's probably porn related)
7. who is calling (what type of question is this to ask the internet? Don't you have caller ID?)
8. who is keppler (see no. 3)
9. who is this (see no. 7)
10. who is satan (awesome! Take that God! Still in the top 10 bitches!)

What is...
1. what is love (baby don't hurt me… don't hurt me… no more – yeah I said it)
2. what is autism (awe, this one's sad)
3. what is rss (another acronym that scares old people – "We hate change!")
4. what is lupus (see no. 2)
5. what is sap (there are that many people out there interested in sap?)
6. what is Bluetooth (another term that scares old people)
7. what is emo (how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? – psh! You don't know, , whatever)
8. what is java (coffee, unless it's on the internet)
9. what is hpv (This is the most disturbing question asked in my opinion. The 9th most popular question was typed in 2 weeks after a random unprotected drunken hook-up because somebody was taking a shower and noticed a little something on their little something. Ironically, HPV ranks 9th on my list of fears. It's after herpes and before mouth herpes)
10. what is gout (Ben Franklin wrote a few satirical pieces on gout, I suggest them to anybody who is asking this question)

How to...
1. how to kiss (ladies: just as long as your kissing – fellas: the lower lip of a female has a nerve that connects to the clitoris, when you kiss her pay attention to her bottom lip, don't be all intense about it, but work that shit)
2. how to draw (I can't help here ?)
3. how to knit (get really bored and find some needles and yarn)
4. how to hack (you should be more worried about how to block pop-ups)
5. how to dance (where I'm from they banned dancing)
6. how to crochet (see no. 3)
7. how to meditate (be a nobody going nowhere)
8. how to flirt (ladies: allow us to glance at your goods – fellas: women are like cats, you can't just jump on 'em and start rubbin' their bellies, you gotta play it cool, like Fonzi)
9. how to levitate (aim at the ground and miss)
10. how to skateboard (which Tony Hawk version are you talking about? The new one? Er?)

*Dictated not read
**motto does not apply in China, because the market share is so large they can make tons and tons of money, seriously though, that is there motto.