J is for Jokes

Here are some awesome jokes:

"A bear walks into a bar and orders a gin...................................................and tonic. The bartender says, "Fine. But I've got to ask, what's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I don't know.............................................................I've always had them."

From Demetri Martin:

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”

“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown."

“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”

From Steven Wright:

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

" If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

"I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make a difference."

From Mitch Hedberg:

"I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit."

"Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?"

"See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for ‘sale’. Please alphabetize ‘it’."

"We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That’s a showbiz term for “Add sugar to”."

"I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!""

"I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died."

Just, goodbye for now.